i don't know, i'll think of something later

How I Roll

2011-02-25T11:22:00.001-05:00

Confession

2010-08-23T12:44:00.003-04:00

Hi, my name is Joanne and I am exclamation point-aholic. I am addicted to using the exclamation point in emails, texts, letters, notes, etc.

It's embarassing, but I'm just so attracted to its slender build and simplicity. Who knew a line and a dot could hold so much power over me? Oh, how I'm aching to go back and add them into those past sentences. I know admittance is only the first step, but I'm not ready to move past it quite yet...

! ! ! ! !

Creepster

2010-05-10T14:37:00.003-04:00

In my line of work (doesn't that sound fancy?!) I get a lot of calls from vendors looking for work. It's hard because I really wish I had enough work for everyone, but I just don’t. But if I did have enough work for everyone I still wouldn’t give any to this one rep I shall refer to as Derek. Basically, he is both extremely annoying and creepy. He calls me about once a month, and then follows up with an email stating the same exact thing he said in his voicemail. I have nicely emailed him back three times telling him I am not interested in working with him. That was in 2009, but he stills continues to call me monthly.

Because of my anal retentive nature, I keep notes of all my phone calls including voicemails. Here’s a sampling of some notes I wrote during Derek’s voicemails:

Any suggestions on how to get rid of him without actually having to speak to him? He obviously is not getting the hint and I don’t think I can speak to him without cursing at him.

[I'm trying really hard to not write (aka complain) about work all the time, but I'm there 40 hours a week, and it's really hard not to. I think the only other things I do that much is sleep, and that's really uninteresting.]

Thanks!

2010-05-04T12:25:00.002-04:00

"You know, you'd never know by looking at you what a huge dork you are." - My co-worker

eep!

2010-04-19T20:50:00.008-04:00

Shit, yo. Hot new trend or time to buy new cardigans?

What the Hell

2010-04-16T19:37:00.009-04:00

Wow, nothing has ever made me as an uncomfortable as this video, I couldn't even make it all the way through.

Link:

Seriously, I imagine watching Two Girls, One Cup with my parents would be less uncomfortable.

Voicemails I Leave

2010-04-13T12:34:00.003-04:00

Hi, it's Joanne from [company]. I need to talk to you about the proof you sent because whatever you did was really bad. Can you just undo whatever that was? Um, we just kind of hate it. Because it's obviously bad, you know? I mean when I look at it, I can see a lot that's bad which we don't like. Well, anyway, please call me back when you get a chance and we can discuss it. Have a nice day!

Barf.

2010-04-12T13:57:00.003-04:00

After careful deliberation*, I've determined that the phrase "using the toilet" really grosses me out.

*Deliberation period was the one and a half years I've worked at a company that has a sign inside every bathroom stall reminding you that it is common courtesy to wash your hands after using the toilet.

Yuck.

2010-04-07T20:17:00.004-04:00

Things normal people would know would be gross, but Joanne thinks looks okay and tries, but nope, totally gross:

How did they manage to ruin rice?

I Can't Cook.

2009-11-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly good: a kaiser roll with cream cheese on it.

Also surprising is that I even had bread and cream cheese to start.

Sleepy.

2009-11-19T23:32:00.003-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that I am an extremely lazy sleeper. If I am asleep in my bed (or the floor where some drunken adventures may lead me) it pretty much takes a natural disaster for me to move.

Exhibit A: My bed faces a 5' x 6' window (I'm guessing at the size, but if I wanted to off myself and jump out, there would be no need to slouch) and every morning there is a blinding amount of sun. Now after living in a basement with no windows, this is extremely welcome, but that sunlight is crazy hot. Every morning I wake up covered in sweat and have to kick the blankets around to get to a nice sleeping temperature. Instead of having to get up to shut the blind OR just in case I may have to move to get the blanket that is now on the floor, I have decided to just sleep with the window open. I shiver myself to sleep instead of having to get up at 6 am and shut the blinds.

Exhibit B: If I have to pee, you best believe that my back teeth better be floating in it before I'll be motivated enough to move. I'd rather stay half awake for an hour willing my bladder to fall asleep then take three minutes to go to the bathroom.

Exhibit C: I used to use an actual alarm clock, but having to move to check the time was too much work for sleepy me so I solved this problem by sleeping with my cell phone in my bed. Also sad, I set the alarm to make noise and vibrate so when the alarm does go off, I can hear/feel where it is with minimal movement.

And god forbid, something fall into the crack between the bed and the wall like my pillow. Screw you pillow, I'll just use my arms, you are waaaay too far away.

Motivation!

2009-09-15T13:45:00.000-04:00

I was really sick of the pinkness of this blog and I finally motivated myself to travel over to the template tab, and pick a new one.

However, I'm still working on the motivation to post something.

Gross.

2009-06-18T13:16:00.003-04:00

You know what really grosses me out? Girls/women with calf tattoos.

I don't know why but I just think they are so gross and trashy. When I see someone with one, I automatically judge them. I'm pretty darn judgmental already, there is no need to add a disgusting tattoo in the mix.

It's even worse when the tattoo is on a really pasty and pale calf too. I just cringe and start constructing a story about how you lived in a trailer park, and after you got your first job working as a stripper down by the airport, you decided to get that flower/dolphin disaster on your calf to celebrate your freedom. BIG MISTAKE! Next thing you know you've been fired and are forced to work night shifts at Denny's where an obese trucker will woo, marry and then beat you. And all because you got a tattoo that grossed me out...

Twitter.

2009-03-31T12:40:00.005-04:00

Okay, I know it's all cool and trendy right now, but I'm just going to go out on a limb and share my feelings because I seriously don't care if it's hip.

I think Twitter is dumb.

Really dumb.

89% of the people who Twitter should not. (and that's me being generous) Who gives a fuck about what you are doing that much? And if someone does care, that's creepy, and you should avoid that person because they are a stalker, and will probably trap you in their apartment, and try to harvest your hair follicles to try to make a baby with you.

For reals, this happens. I watch Lifetime.

Thus stop twittering, and go outside. Okay?

Fun Fun!

2009-02-27T14:19:00.003-05:00

Okay, even though I'm totally failing in my blogging goal and Domenica is kicking my ass, I started a separate blog to bitch about Lost. Please check it out here: http://idontcareaboutthefourtoedstatue.blogspot.com/

Hopefully I can manage a post a week there, but no promises...

Italian.

2009-02-22T14:45:00.002-05:00

Okay, restaurant industry big business companies, that's enough. First Olive Garden claims that people should bring their relatives from Italy to Olive Garden because their food is so deliciously authentic and tastes just like Italy, and now fucking Pizza Hut is claiming that their lasagna is so delicious that a whole restaurant full of Italians instantly loved it and thought it came from a master Italian chef.

Oh, yes, anything you throw a vat of pre-prepared tomato sauce on instantly equals delicious home cooked Italian meals. Italian grandmothers everywhere are smacking themselves with wooden spoons for not realizing this sooner.

Idiots.

Sudoku.

2009-02-05T14:32:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I super greatly enjoy my sister. A selection from an IM convo:

[14:29] Sister: ur so smart
[14:29] Sister: no matter what daddy says
[14:31] Sister: seriously

Aroo?

2009-02-01T14:20:00.011-05:00

Seriously, Disney has eggs?

Why?

ETA: Look, other people are confused too! http://jezebel.com/5146148/disney-eggs-theyre-eggs-by-disney

Fuck You, Penguin.

2009-01-21T18:11:00.002-05:00

This might be my favorite website EVER. Seriously, I don't who writes it, what sex they are, what they look like, smell like or believe in, but I would marry them in an instant. We could look at pictures of animals and they'd make snarky comments, and I'd just laugh and laugh, and occasionally make Ellio's pizza or Eggo waffles for us both.

Heaven.

Restart.

2009-01-13T20:12:00.002-05:00

So my beautiful and intelligent cousin Domenica has been assigned the task of keeping a blog, and writing in it three times a week for a class assignment. In a show of sisterly solidarity, I'm going to try to match her three.

We'll see if I can do it. I'm kind of leaning towards no, but I enjoy a challenge. Plus I don't think anyone checks this anymore which is oddly inspiring since I can say whatever the hell I want. Woo!

Best Seller

2008-06-13T18:04:00.003-04:00

I think I'm going to write a book about job hunting. Possible titles include You Were One of the Top Candidates, But... and It Was Down to You and One Other Person, But...

I have been on countless interviews and applied for an even more countless number of jobs. I should use all the pointless knowledge I've gained for something good (and profitable).

I can share:
- excuses to get time off your current job (if applicable)
- how to pretend like you are paying attention to an interviewer
- how to cover when you realize you don't remember the question you are answering
- how to navigate Philadelphia parking
- what to do when a bird poops on your head before an interview
- the best places to change into interview clothes
- how to deal with the interviewer making you cry
- different ways to say "Wow, that sounds interesting" even when it doesn't
- how to handle asshole questions like "What animal describes you best?"

Seriously, how could it not be a best seller?!

Wear a Raincoat.

2008-05-20T21:19:00.004-04:00

Random thought I had while waiting 56 weeks for the pharmacist to package my drugs: Why is the condom and lubricant aisle at the drugstore categorized under "Family Planning"? Isn't buying condoms more of preventing a family than planning one? I feel it should be renamed to Contraceptives and Other Stuff. They may need to work on that end part though.

A blonde walks into a bar...

2008-05-05T22:09:00.002-04:00

One nice thing about my job [I know! Not a complaint, a nice thing!] is that the majority of people I deal with on a daily basis, I have never met face-to-face; our clients are all over the country and so is most of the staff. It's a pretty good deal, they call and talk, and I roll my eyes and listen.

Today I met one of the managers who lives in California that I talk to daily. It was totally hilarious to meet her because she took one look at me and said, "You're not blonde!" She pictured me as a "very tall blonde."

So not only do I sound blonde on the phone, but also tall. Go me.

Family Love.

2008-04-10T19:56:00.003-04:00

"You have a lot of red shoes. Are you a whore?" - My sister

Obsession.

2008-04-07T18:35:00.004-04:00

I am completely obsessed with Wawa's green tea with pomegranate. This means that it will soon be discontinued so please run, drive or walk to your nearest Wawa and try it. Go!

Clavicle.

2008-03-17T20:15:00.004-04:00

Today a random lady told me I had a nice collarbone.

I was both creeped out and flattered.

Thanks lady!

Heed My Words and Take Flight.

2008-03-13T23:09:00.007-04:00

I was feeling an extra bit depressed the other day and I had the most random thought that immediately cheered me up. I don't think I've ever had an "instant smile" moment from a thought in my head before. Other people or something have definitely caused that reaction, but I don't think I've ever done it to myself. At least not this randomly.

Anyway, so woe is me, I'm feeling sad and then into my head pops, "The next time you're at the checkout counter and you hear the beep, think of all the fun you can have on...SUPERMARKET SWEEP!"

Seriously, that is all I needed, just that phrase and I was smiling.

Please tell me other people remember Supermarket Sweep. It was one of my absolute favorite things. It probably still would be if it was still on. I used to make Nina play it with me in our grandparent's basement and I totally had a whole plan figured out for how to win the big sweep. Sadly, I could still probably recount it for you. (Meats, diapers, medicine, coffee, paper products, bonus item. They never showed the complete layout of the store so it was hard to decide on the order. Very stressing.)

I guess in a way Supermarket Sweep was like the Nickelodeon toy run, but for housewives and young me. The idea of running (I know, me running!) in a grocery store filling up shopping carts was thrilling.

The next time you are feeling blue, just think of me and Supermarket Sweep and just laugh because I am that much of a dork. (I tried to think of a good rhyme, but everything was too cheesy.)

I've Got Rhythm?

2008-02-26T19:08:00.003-05:00

Today I amused myself with Song Tapper. Using only your space bar you can tap out the rhythm of a song and it will guess what you are tapping. Of course, I have no rhythm and was horrible at it. It only got one of my attempts (Like a Virgin by Madonna) but it was still a fun way to pass the time. My favorite part is listening to the tap play back. No wonder they can't guess any of mine, they all sound like a cat ran across a piano and fell asleep on some of the keys.

Shamrock Shake.

2008-02-23T20:25:00.006-05:00

Today I tried my first shamrock shake. I was told it tasted like "thin mint ice cream." Incorrect! It tasted like frozen toothpaste mixed with fluoride and stirred with dental floss.

Across the Universe.

2008-02-20T20:38:00.011-05:00

Recently, I rented Across the Universe (using one of my free Redbox codes) and well, let's just say I am very grateful it was free! Quick review of things I like: The Beatles, musicals, movies, music, the '60's, and strawberries. Following the mathematical formula Things I Like multiplied by Number of Things I Like = Movie I Like, I should have liked this movie. But I didn't and it made me sad. I don't know if I'm just an oddball here, I was really surprised this has a 7.7 out of 10 on IMDB. Maybe I had too high expectations?

Basic summary of my general dislike: too long, and I just didn't care about the characters or story.

Longer explanation of my dislike starts off with the biggest annoyance, I just didn't buy the "love" between the two main characters. I guess I should stop here and say "Spoilers Ahead." Anywho, Lucy and Jude seemed to just end up together because they were near one another. I get that he dug her from when he first saw her, but she was in love with someone else and there didn't seem to be any chemistry. I feel like it would have been more effective to have it be a love at first sight kind of story or show the audience him pursuing her. Going on one walk doesn't count. They had a nice little moment when they first met with their flirty teeth talk but then nothing.

I think they could have done this better and my suggestion would be to kill off Lucy's brother and Jude's roommate and friend, Max, when he went to Vietnam. This would have brought Jude and Lucy together and made Lucy's anti-war stance even more justified. Sub rant: Lucy went from being a preppy high school kid to dressing like a soccer mom, they could have tossed a little bit of hippie on her instead of vomiting it all over Sadie's wardrobe.

#2 -- It pissed me off how the writer threw in random side characters in order to reference another Beatles' song. Oh, did she really "come in through the bathroom window?" How clever and hip you are movie! I could have lived without lesbian Prudence disappearing and reappearing, and Sadie and Jojo's band and their woes. To me, these made the movie too long and dragged it down. They could have used that time to build and develop Jude and Lucy's relationship. A lot of what happened and was sung could have happened without the shift to those characters.

Next up is the whole ridiculousness with Lucy being mad at Jude for not going out and being more active in the anti-war movement. Bitch, he was in this country illegally to be with your dumb ass thus why it's probably best for him to avoid any legal trouble. This brings up another point, I'm not exactly sure why Jude had to be English. Was it just because The Beatles were? He got deported (because of dumb Lucy) and then seemed to get a real Visa in about two weeks. Oh, heavens! However did the star crossed lovers handle such separation?

Returning to the war issue, but I felt that it didn't affect Jude. Yes, it affected him because it was a major world event in his lifetime, it was wrong and horrible, innocent people died and his best friend was drafted, but it wasn't like super personal. As Lucy mentioned, he couldn't get drafted and they never mention any of the war's effect on England and his family and friends there. Again, another good reason to have killed Max.

I will be nice and say that everyone in the film could sing very will and I think Jim Sturgess did a good job as Jude. Other positives included the bowling alley scene (musical numbers in bowling alleys rock) for the awesome song and showing Jude and his attraction to Lucy, and the Mr. Kite scene and its effects or whatever it would be called.

I really wanted to like this movie, but it just didn't happen. I just didn't care. They had good material to work with (the entire Beatles' catalog) and good basics for a story, but it needed a bit more thought and focus. It might be worth a rental to play in the background while you hang out, but it's not seeing in a theater or buying the DVD worthy.

Wow, that was long! If you made it through all that, please reward yourself with this gem.

I Recommend.

2008-02-10T18:06:00.000-05:00

Redbox -- Movies for ONE DOLLAR per night! Well, alright it's a dollar plus tax so it's a whopping $1.06 in PA. Sign up on their website and get a free rental then you get a free rental code about once every two weeks as well. I have been seeing these kiosks all over the place lately.

The Bad: It's only new releases and "mainstream" movies. (Although, I don't know if this will change in the future though since it's a fairly new service in most areas.) You don't get the special features if they are not on the main DVD.

Hulu -- Free and legal TV! Sign up for the beta and you can watch new and old shows from NBC, Fox, USA, Bravo, E! and others. (My addictions: Arrested Development, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Always Sunny in Philadelphia) There also is some random movies including The Breakfast Club and Weekend at Bernie's.

The Bad: There is a limited amount of programs. Sometimes, they are missing some seasons or episodes from shows which can be annoying.They have "limited commercial interruptions," but they can get fucked up and take longer than they should but you can't bypass them.

Reason #533 Why I Need A New Job.

2008-02-05T20:10:00.000-05:00

Today I went out to lunch with the other three members of my department attempting to be social and such. The topic was 9/11 and the first Iraq war and their impact on popular culture. My boss brought up the movie Jarhead and asked if anyone else had seen it. Everyone said yes or no and then looked at me. I, being my awkward self, respond with, "No, but I really like that Kanye West song."

Silence.

"You know that song, right? Jesus Walks? It's in the trailer.... It goes 'Jesus walks. Jeeesus walks with me something God show me something something devil.' ...no? The beat is like dun dun dunnnn 'Jesus walks' and there's some rapping and a choir or a gospel singer or something...?"

Dead, dead rotting corpse silence.

Somehow out there that has to be people who would love a co-worker like me, right?

Ugh!

2008-02-03T19:22:00.000-05:00

I feel a little snobby about the rant I am about to make, but not snobby enough not to make it.

I really like to read. In fact, I would probably put reading in my top three of favorite things to do. I try to read a book a week, but it gets expensive and I am completely skeeved out by library books. But that is an equally snobby rant for another time.

I like going to bookstores (Borders has an amazing rewards program that I heartily recommend) and wandering around aimlessly to find books I want to read. I am not ashamed to admit that I totally judge books by their covers. I would buy a book because the cover is cool or if it uses the kind of paper I like. But I would also not buy a book because the cover is lame and number one in books with lame covers are books that get reissued as movie tie-ins with covers featuring the stars of the movie versions.

Example:

The book cover is now exactly the same as the movie poster! Aggravating! The original book design is completely lost to showcase whichever celebrity is in the movie. I feel like this discourages some people from buying the book since they know they can just go see the movie instead.

Here's another one that is extra annoying:

"I am Legend" is a book of short stories. There is more in there then the one that became a movie starring Will Smith! (Plus that other cover is awesome because it is creepy as anything.)

I know nothing can be done about this and it must be incredibly exciting for the writer to see their book "come to life" but seriously can we make it so books, US Weekly and People magazine are not indistinguishable? Can't we limit the movie part to something that can be removed like a sticker? Then it makes me less cranky and there will be less reissuing and more trees.

[I will admit that I own two books with movie covers, Virgin Suicides and Prozac Nation, but I don't think either lets the "celebrity" overpower the cover. Plus I don't think Prozac Nation was ever released.]

All Systems Go.

2008-01-28T22:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes my own nerdiness just astounds me and I am really amazed that I can function in society. Albeit, I function very awkwardly in society, but I get by pretty well.

A Clarification.

2008-01-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

Wow, okay, so go read the post before this one. I'll wait...

Yeah, I didn't write that. Thanks to Juan for posting a comment and then to Blogger for emailing me when I get comments because I would have had no idea about the post since I don't check my own blog for updates since I am the one who usually does the updating.

"You got a fat asshole," huh? I am totally going to start saying that. I can't decide if I should use it as a compliment like "Hey, man, those shoes got a fat asshole, I love them" or as an insult such as "That [Place I work] has got a fat asshole. Those buttheads."

Hmm, I think I like it better as a compliment, but I tend to insult things more. Any thoughts? Maybe I will just have to see when it naturally comes up in conversation next. (By which I mean, when I obsessively think and try to use it in a sentence.)

Weird Internet spam rocks. Maybe I will take it as a hint to write in this thing again, but I make no promises.

2008-01-17T01:46:00.000-05:00

Hello.

you got a fat asshole.

Pointless Complaint

2007-10-15T19:27:00.001-04:00

You know what really really really drives me crazy? People who use "u" in work emails. Seriously, it's only two more letters, it's not that much work, you can do it.

Cranky.

2007-04-26T09:55:00.000-04:00

I’ve been having that weird, restless, totally useless kind of sleep lately. You know, the kind where you always feel sort of half awake and you wake up more tired? It’s the worst. I really don’t think there is a worse kind of sleep. Well, maybe really drunk, room is spinning, have to hold onto the wall sleep. (Not that I ever have that… Hiya Mister!)

Anyway, the reason I think I’ve been having this crap sleep is because I’ve been having weird dreams about reading. Emails, books, newspapers, you name it, I’ve been reading it. In my sleep. In a dream. It makes no sense.

Seriously, what kind of nerd am I that I read in my dreams and try to concentrate on those words so much that I can’t fully sleep? I need some psychiatric help.

My 200th Post!

2007-03-08T13:13:00.001-05:00

You know what’s really weird about the working world? Okay, well my working world which is very different from a normal person’s working world. [Side note: Have I ever had a normal job at a normal place? I guess my internship counts, but when you think of what they actually did, sold bunny sweaters and a load of other crap to people sitting on their couches, that isn’t too normal.]

Anyway, back to the really weird thing… People here talk all the time in the bathroom. Like a stall to stall full-on conversation. I don’t want to talk to you in there! That’s where I go to escape from you and contemplate the extreme evilness that is you and [Company]. And, let’s not forget that even if I did want to talk to you, it wouldn’t be about work.

It especially freaks me out that these people look under the frakking (+10 girlfriend points) stall and check out the shoes of whoever is in the next stall to identify them. I can’t wear my adorable red princess shoes v2.0 because they stand out too much. I shouldn’t have to plan my footwear around bathroom stalking; I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s unconstitutional.

Stop footwear oppression, just let me pee!

Pop Music.

2007-02-05T14:41:00.000-05:00

Every time I hear “Glamorous” by Fergie, I always get really excited because I secretly hope and pray that the word “Mustang” got changed to “mustache.”

In my head, it goes like this: “I like to go cool out with the family, sipping reminiscing on days when I had a Mustache.”

It’s so much better my way.

TGIF times a Million.

2007-01-19T08:17:00.000-05:00

An actual email I received from my boss this morning:

Please let anyone looking for me know that due to the terrible accents everywhere that I will be in late today.

Le sigh.

(Don't get it? Read the email again.)

Bad Grammar is Bad.

2007-01-17T11:08:00.000-05:00

I saw a commercial for Adoptions from the Heart when I was watching TV the other night that greatly alarmed me.

So fade in (Aren't I hip?) to a voiceover discussing how giving up your baby for adoption is one of the hardest decisions one has to make and how it's okay to do it and all that smooshiness. But the visual image accompanying this moving speech is a woman TEXT MESSAGING her baby's daddy. (Okay, I'm assuming it was the dad and I'm also saying woman even though I kind of think it was a teenager, but they never showed her face and I don't want to make any generalizations about black teenage mothers and massive infertility in 2027 and such.)

Any way, the text messages were like "where r u?" "we need to talk," "im putting the baby up for adoption" She tells the dude via TEXT MESSAGE with bad text message grammar and punctuation that she is giving away their child. This organization is stressing the importance and seriousness of adoption and they show the decision making over text messages?! If you ever tell me important information via text or email at least show me some respect and fucking capitalize and punctuate it please.

Okay, so I just looked at the site (while at work so who knows what they know think about me) and you can watch the commercial online! It's the Tom commercial. Enjoy!

The 2006 Nutshell.

2006-12-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

Wow, I wrote something! Woohoo! I was going to make a best of something list for 2006, but I don’t want to hurt any inanimate objects or people who don’t know or care about me’s feelings. So, without further adieu, (I love that word) I present Joanne’s non-numbered list of fun/great/awesome/yay! Things of 2006.

The Decemberists
If I were the kind of person to make a CD list, The Crane Wife would definitely be on there. It’s delightful to my ears and I like how they pronounce certain words all funny like cinnamon. Sin A Mon. Getting drunk and seeing them in concert is never a bad idea and neither is doing it sober.

That Outback song
Okay, so this year I had a total mom moment. I was listening to the radio and was like “Hey, this song is fun…La la la…Why do they keep mentioning outback? Are they Australian? I bet they are. I wonder if they know Nicole Kidman, every other Australian does. Hmm, wait, I’m pretty sure they are singing about the Outback restaurant. Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s a commercial Joanne, you idiot.”

(I swear that is how it went down in my head.)

So yeah, I know nothing about who sings it or if they are a real band or not, but I love it and if I ate steak I would totally go outback tonight because life will still be there tomorrow…

Miracle in the Andes: 72 Days on the Mountain and My Long Trek Home by Nando Parrado
As many of you know, I have an obsession with the story of the Uruguayan rugby team being stranded on the Andes. It’s kind of a sick obsession I guess, but it’s a true story and is way better than most fiction. I read Alive first, but if you were only going to read one of these, I would read Parrado’s book. (If you saw the movie, Nando is played by Ethan Hawke.) I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it’s heartwarming and touching without being cheesy. I think I cried about three pounds of tears. It really is a story about love and God, but Parrado has such a nice view of religion and on life in general.

PS. I totally would have died within 4 minutes if that happened to me.

Heroes
I like TV. I like watching and reading about it because I am a nerd. Some of it really stinks, but some of it is really good (The Office, Veronica Mars, How I Met Your Mother) and Heroes is really good. It had a weird start with all the over talking and explaining. (I understand the moving images in front of me, please stop.) But it’s gotten much better so don’t be lame, watch it. There are a few characters I could live without, I’m looking at you, stupid Niki/Jessica/DL and Indian guy with all your talking and being dumb, but the cast is large and overall pretty awesome, especially now looking at you, Masi Oka.

The Departed
There actually isn’t much to say here because of the two people who read this you know how I felt about this movie. As odd it is, it’s a good sign when Juan has to change his shirt after seeing a movie.

Nintendo Wii
I suck at sports and things that involve hand eye coordination and balance and skills and standing upright and walking and telling stories, but in spite of all that, I still have fun playing Wii. I seriously doubt actually running around with a tennis racket is as fun as swinging a Wiimote back and forth. Although, having a sword and killing evil bats is probably more fun in real life than in Zelda…

Having a Job
It sucks and I hate it, but I have one and I’m thankful plus I do ridiculous stuff everyday and contribute to society like a good citizen.

Gnarls Barkley
Again, if I were to commit to having a best CD of 2006 list, I may or may not say St. Elsewhere would be in the top quadrant, but besides the music, the duo (look at me with my fancy use of the word "duo") in general is fun. There are costumes! And fake names! It’s like musical theater, but cool! Exclamation point!

Sweaty Robot
You know what, this whole list is based on biases because it’s my list and whatever I want can go on so why not add Sweaty Robot? They make things that are funny and the world needs more funny.

The Internet
Okay, so the Internet isn’t 2006-specific but it makes life so much easier and I feel like we should think about that every once in awhile. Everything you could ever want (and ever not want) is just a few seconds away. It helps me pass the time at work and it entertains me with its words, images and videos. So Yay! for you Internet, high five!

There was lots of other great stuff in 2006, but quite frankly, my brain hurts and I should really get back to work. Bonjour!

News Flash.

2006-09-07T17:46:00.000-04:00

I am not dead.
But I am still awesome.

Somethings.

2006-07-24T17:35:00.000-04:00

Today things happened:

Thing That Annoyed Me: Mondays suck. Everyone knows that. It's super fucking great when you are finally able to be so in denial about the fact that it is Monday and you have five full days of hearing aids, pardon instruments, left that you can convince yourself that it is not Monday. But then of course, you step into your car and the local easy listening station has to play Monday songs. Because nothing helps Monday pass than being constantly reminded about it through smooth jams like "Manic Monday."

Thing That Creeped Me Out: My boss told me I wasn't allowed to wear my green skirt tomorrow because she loved it so much and she was finally able to track down one for herself. Then she asked me where I got my pants because those were great too...

Thing That Made Me Sleepy: Pretending that my tasks to complete for the next three days actually took longer than two hours. Seriously, it is not THAT hard to title 8 columns in a spreadsheet.

Ears and ears and ears.

2006-07-14T17:34:00.000-04:00

Today at work I tied myself seven times in tic-tac-toe.

It was a very entertaining day.

Ask Miss Joanne.

2006-06-28T01:45:00.000-04:00

Wow. After applying to over 120 jobs, going on over 20 interviews, attending 3 networking meetings, talking with 2 job hunting "experts," buying 2 pairs of dress pants, buying 1 suit, returning 1 suit, getting 8 rejection letters and 1 rejection email (including 2 for jobs I never interviewed for), and never hearing back after 6 interviews, I got a job.

Thus in conclusion, fuck you motherfuckers, the Joanne Boat of Awesomeness and Hard Work has sailed away. Some other company will be hearing my humorous and witty anecdotes and getting free mushrooms. (Unless you want to give me more money...)

But seriously, some people need to grow the fuck up and be decent. Don't never call someone back especially after they gave you a large chunk of their time and handwrote you a thank you note! Don't be a complete asshole during an interview.

Remember that thing your mother/father/grandparent/aunt/uncle/legal guardian told you when you were a kid, "Treat others how you want to be treated?" Follow that. Just because you are employed, it doesn't mean you are the Crown Princess of Super Special Awesome Fun Time Land.

That's only true for me.

Birth control.

2006-06-12T21:13:00.000-04:00

Oh for fuck's sake:

TULSA, Okla. - Zac Hanson of pop group Hanson will marry longtime girlfriend, Kate Tucker, this weekend, the group's publicist said.
Katie McNeil said, Hanson, 20, and Tucker, 22, his girlfriend of five years, will marry Saturday in Atlanta.
"The couple is planning an intimate ceremony with close family and friends," McNeil said in an e-mail.
Hanson and his brothers Isaac, 25, and Taylor, 23, formed Hanson in Tulsa. They are best known for their 1997 hit single, "MMMBop," which helped ignite the boy band craze.
The trio is now working on a follow-up to their 2004 album, "Underneath."

I know no one cares, but I like to share my Hanson news with you all anyway. Especially when it's ridiculous.

Official Announcement: I am a Nerd.

2006-05-30T16:25:00.000-04:00

I got drunk the other day which is suprising I know because I hardly do that. I mean I am unemployed so I don't really have the time to drink.

But yeah, I ordered six books drunkenly. I am that big of a nerd that I bought books drunk. I don't know what made me order them, but I did.

I got 3 of the books in the mail today and they were pretty random so I went to Half.com to see what the hell I got and I actually did an okay job. Confusing, but okay. I think I randomly picked stuff off my wishlist and that Half.com told me too. However, I bought Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix which is really confusing to me because I already read it and I don't know why I would randomly buy the fifth book in the series. I didn't even really like that one as much. I don't know. I wish I understood how my brain worked.

Dancing goats.

2006-05-23T20:12:00.000-04:00

Half.com recommended that I buy the book "What to Expect when you are Expecting." I don't know if this is better or worse then when all their recommendations were stories about lesbians and gay culture.

I think I have officially been living at home too long. The sound of people in my family chewing drives me insane. Like I seriously have those dream sequences in my head where you do some bizarre act like drown them in the kitchen sink like in Best Friends Forever, a short written and directed by Juan so I may be biased in my like of it and its influence on my desire to murder people who chew loudly and smack their lips and for fuck's sake, keep your goddamn mouth closed!

I also need a new career aspiration. Any ideas? Apparently, I am not qualified to be an administrative assistant because I don't have past job experience that shows that I know how to type, file, answer phones and be nice to people. Alright, well, I can do three of those at least.

Summer has officially started. I have gotten three mosquito bites.

The Zoo!

2006-05-10T13:09:00.000-04:00

I finally went to the zoo! And yes, it was as awesome as I remembered. Because I am me, I take pictures of only the animals with weird problems.

Exhibit A:

Puzzles the Giraffe
Apparently, Puzzles has some sort of weird tumor/goiter/ball sac growing on his chin. As if giraffes weren't funny enough already, in captivity some of them develop these weird thingies on their face. Poor Puzzles.

Exhibit B:

Poor old tortoise who doesn't have a name or a fancy sign explaining why he is strapped to a skateboard. I think it's because he is probably like 100 years old and heavy as shit. I don't know if you can tell, but this is a picture of him when he is somewhat stuck. It was sad, he was trudging along and fell in a little ditch.

The zoo also has these awesome Peter Parker Spiderman monkeys that wall jump and are awesome. I will totally accept one as a gift, in case anyone was contemplating buying me something.

Odd.

2006-04-28T14:21:00.000-04:00

Today a really weird thing happened to me. Basically, the phone rang and I answered it and the following occurred: (Or at least as much as I could remember)

Me: Hello?
Lady: Joanne?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Hi Joanne, it's Aunt Anna.
Me: Uh, hi Aunt Anna, how are you?
Lady: I'm good, thanks. So did you decide?
[Side: I have an Aunt Anna, she is my mom's aunt and she is slowly losing her mind. I don't know if it is dementia or Alzeheimer's, but she asks how old I am and where I go to school every 5 minutes. She has never called me before and I was really concerned about her state of mind so I was trying to be nice.]
Me: Uh...decide about what?
Lady: If you are coming to lunch with me.
Me: Who is this exactly?
Lady: Aunt Anna, Joanne.
Me: Okay, I don't mean to be rude, but you may not be MY Aunt Anna.
Lady: Is this Joanne?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Is this a PA number?
Me: Yes.
Lady: ...and you have a Aunt Anna too?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Well, I don't think you are MY Joanne.
Me: Yeah, neither do I, Ma'am.
Lady: You should have told me!
Me: I didn't know! I was confused.
Lady: Hmm, well, goodbye then.
Me: Bye

Seriously, what are the odds of that? Thankfully I figured out it wasn't my great aunt BEFORE I went to lunch with this lady.

I know there are a lot of Annas, but I like to think there aren't so many Joannes especially Joannes with Aunt Annas.

Sunshine.

2006-04-21T13:36:00.000-04:00

My dad and I have some issues, but seriously, I don't think anyone will ever be prouder of me for the weird things he is proud of me for. For example, I can find things on the internet, make columns in Word and type on a keyboard. He is genuinely proud of how "smart" I am. He tells people that I am smart, but of course it's so ridiculous because he is like, "My Joanne is a real whiz at the computer. She knows how to Google!"

I like that of all the things I have done that is what impresses him the most. Forget graduating college and setting a world record for unemployment, I can Google for fuck's sake!

Shoemaker.

Peeps.

2006-04-19T17:52:00.000-04:00

Remember those good idea/bad idea skits from the Animaniacs?

Today I had my very own.

Good idea: Eating a breath mint before a job interview.
Bad idea: Eating numerous breath mints after drinking two Espresso Double Shots before a job interview.

My stomach was very unhappy with my decision.

Compressed air.

2006-04-12T15:08:00.000-04:00

Righttt, I am supposed to write stuff here sometimes.

Hmm, well, I almost killed a stray cat via suffocations and I am still unemployed.

Yup, that about wraps it up.

I could write the internal rant I have regarding the progression of the Gilmore Girls, but I don't think anyone cares about that except maybe Sara. I'll save that for a rainy day.

In conclusion, whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch whine annoy whine.

Heehaw.

2006-04-05T16:12:00.000-04:00

Seriously, who over the age of 10 gets fucking pink eye?

It doesn't hurt like it did when I was little, but it's just bizarre. I have no idea how I got it, but I will gladly rub my eye on you so you can get it too.

I want to go to the zoo. It's a good zoo going time. Well, at least I think it is. Although, I always think it's a good zoo going time. But I really think it is now, it's not super hot so that the animals won't move around and it won't stink like hot shit.

My brain works funny.

She wiped the floor with all the assholes.

2006-03-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

Hello. I am supposed to keep this thing updated so everyone can follow my craptastic life so here it goes...

I am addicted to this Splash game and I have no idea why. I like when it all works out and you clear everything in a click. I also am attempting to workout my brain and do those crap Sudoku puzzles sometimes. I get frustrated too easily though.

I think the web comic Married to the Sea is funny. It's by Natalie Dee and Drew Toothpaste.

I have applied to every Communications, Marketing and PR job in the Philadelphia area.

I am learning how to use a sewing machine. I don't understand patterns and sewing lingo so I usually just guess and mess up a lot. It's fun though. My mom helped me make a bag:

I broke my mother's expensive ass, new stovetop thing by dropping a plate on it.

I went to Florida for my dad's 50th birthday and sort of got a tan.

I read a lot of books.

And uh...I think that's it?

Connecticut.

2006-03-22T18:59:00.000-05:00

My fortune cookie says, "You think that it is a secret, but it never has been one."

Joanne says, "You suck at fortune telling, fortune cookie!"

Colorado.

2006-03-22T15:06:00.000-05:00

Driving the speed limit is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Seriously, it's only 55 MPH on 95! 55! Do the speed limit makers even know how annoyingly slow that is?

I bet really really old men from New Jersey get to decide the speed limit.

California.

2006-03-10T16:21:00.000-05:00

It's so fucking nice outside. I heart spring. In fact, I think I heart spring more than any other season.

I wore flip flops and did yard work and sat on a porch so far today. It was awesome.

Yay for warmth.

Arizona.

2006-03-08T14:21:00.000-05:00

I think I have officially started on the path to becoming a crazy, hermit, shut-in recluse. I haven't started collecting newspapers or refusing to take the trash out or anything yet, but I'm just...weirder all of a sudden.

For example, today after I took a shower (I don't think recluses do that) I couldn't find my pants. Yes, I totally have a pair of unemployed lounging pants that I wear when I sit and stare at the wall. They are not sweatpants though! I do not believe in sweating especially in my pants thus why I don't own sweatpants. They are cute Old Navy yoga pants that one is supposed to exercise in or something. However, I do not believe in exercise so I lounge in them.

Anyway, I couldn't find my pants and to help me find them I composed a little top ten hit of a song. Here is an excerpt:

We can pants. Where's my pants?
Everybody takin' my pants.
Safety pants.
Safety pants.

When I finally found my pants, I amused myself by singing the whole song with the word pants instead of dance. I am totally including Safety Pants on my new album, "Unemployed Joanne Sings Hits of Unemployment: Volume One." I could be the next Kevin Federline.

Alaska.

2006-03-07T11:38:00.001-05:00

I need a haircut. Badly. My hair is starting to look like a cross between Hurley's from Lost and the lady from Dilbert:

Arkansas.

2006-03-03T14:30:00.001-05:00

Cool thing to whilst bored: Research your family history from Ellis Island. I found my grandmother's father (on my father's side) and learned really bizarre things from his ship's manifesto. He was a tailor, was 5'10, had a scar by his left eye and came over to America paying his own way with $25 in his pocket. I think everyone else in my family came over illegally.

I'm nerdy, I really like this kind of stuff.

Alabama.

2006-02-27T11:26:00.000-05:00

I wrote a long ass entry about my trip to Disneyworld and I was all upset that I was not being flooded with comments about its wonderfulness and then I realized that I saved it as a draft and didn't publish it. You all are forgiven.

I don't feel like posting it anymore though. It was lame. Instead I say: I saw an elephant pee!

I want to go to the zoo. Or get a pet. I bet if I got a pet, I'd get a job and then I'd have to return the pet and everyone at the pet adoption place would hate me.

Seriously, joke's over people. You can hire me now. I saw an elephant pee! I'm ready.

Losing an eye.

2006-02-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I actually left my house! I know you're jealous, but don't be. Anyway, I was driving in Delaware and I swear to god I saw Elijah Wood's twin driving a Marauder. I didn't know what a Marauder was by sight by the way. I had to look to see what kind of car it was.

Hee, the Anal Marauder. Fun game for anyone who I haven't already told 900 times: When in the car and bored amuse yourself by putting the word "Anal" in front of car names. Sometimes not funny, sometimes pretty pretty funny. For instance, the Anal Explorer, the Anal Ranger, and the Anal Avalanche are a few I can think of right now. Thanks Thisbe Nissen for sharing the fun.

I have been watching Grey's Anatomy Season 1 on DVD. I'm a little behind on the trend, but I'm catching up due to Sara's prodding. It's good. Although I will always and forever remember Patrick Dempsey as "uncool" Ronald from Can't Buy Me Love. I love that movie. I love the '80's.

I'm peacing out to go to Disneyworld. Well, if I ever pack I am going. Blah.

Arrive alive.

2006-02-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

Random.

On Sunday night, I was in a taxi with Juan, Ram and Chris that got rear ended by a drunk driver. (Not hard at all luckily.) The guy took out a one way street sign and drove on the wrong side of the road before he hit us in his somewhat new looking car. It was a very odd experience. I never saw anyone get handcuffed in person before.

The cops were very adamant about the man serving his time for his extremely idiotic and irresponsible behavior. The drunk guy told them he had drank 2 forties before driving.

I hate titling these.

2006-02-13T17:02:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream that I was at a party for the Curious George movie and I was hanging out with Jack Johnson. I was groupie-ing out over Jack and was like, "Oh my god, so you like know Curious George? Can you introduce me? What big muscles you have! Tee-hee."

The weird part is that I don't think I've ever seen Jack Johnson before, but I googled him and he looked exactly like he did in my dream. He was however wearing super tiny shorts in my dream. I guess I've seen him somewhere before and just didn't remember. I'm not even really that familar with his music, just some stuff that Christina played last year.

And in case you're wondering about what kind of dream groupie I am, I totally made out with Jack Johnson to meet Curious George.

Skeevy.

2006-02-09T18:12:00.000-05:00

Ew, I'm grossed out I bought a book on Half.com and the seller definitely lied because the book is not in very good condition and does not have "slight wear from reading." It's dirty and gross and the cover looks like it went through a dog's intestinal tract.

Even though in the 5-ish years I've been using Half.com and eBay this is the first time I ever bought something that grossed me out to the extent of being unable to touch the item I still may have difficulty buying something from there next time.

I want a taco.

2006-02-07T19:14:00.000-05:00

I have two new rejection letters to add to my collection of proof of failure at life. Pretty soon, I'm going to be able to wallpaper something with them all. However, I also have a telephone chat, an interview and a breakfast meeting to add to the potentially going to be added to my collection of proof of failure at life collection.

On a happy note, I do get to Disneyworld for 3 days for my mom's XX birthday. She can no longer claim to be 29 since her children are 25 and 22 so we are just doing X's now. Yay for wholesome family fun and $59 Southwest airfare!

Oklahoma!

2006-02-06T17:22:00.000-05:00

I'm not dead. I just have nothing to say. Well, really nothing positive to say. I have a lot of blog entries saved where I just bitch a lot, but they are pretty boring.

Anyone have any suggestions of interesting things I could discuss?

Moo.

I Spy.

2006-01-31T16:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, so apparently this whole PR thing isn't working out. Any suggestions as to what career I can fail at before I even get to start next? I think I'm going to aim low and go for like a elementary school bus driver.

Everyone should visit Sweaty Robot because it is funny and you will laugh. If you don't laugh, you are not in the "target demographic" and I didn't mean for you to visit. Sillies. After you laugh, pass it on to other people who like to laugh because laughing is fun, but not sharing laughing causes you to lose an eye or possibly an arm. I think Harris Malden is my favorite although I have LOLed at all of the videos.

I fail at being a girl, Part 356

2006-01-27T14:29:00.000-05:00

I really wanted some grilled cheese today so I decided to go make myself some because I am an independent woman. (Throw your hands up at me.) I have made grilled cheese before, but I didn't really remember the proper cheese grilling procedure. I just decided to wing it. And of course, I failed miserably. I kinda sorta left the pan on the stovetop unattended and when I came back the entire pan was filled with flames. I put a lid on it to smother the raging fire, but the sandwich was lost forever. After I pried the cheesy goo and burnt sangwich off, this is what remains of the pan:

My whole house smells like burning. The burnt sandwich was buried in the family trash can. RIP My cheesy buddy

Thriller.

2006-01-26T19:09:00.000-05:00

Today it took me nine minutes to eat one pretzel.

They hurt my teeth.

It's Wednesday.

2006-01-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

Sigh.

Cowboys Make Better Lovers.

2006-01-23T02:21:00.000-05:00

I saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend. Twice. It was really fucking good. I don't normally gush about movies too much, but it was one of the best movies I've seen. It kept my complete attention the entire time even despite sitting on the floor in the aisle the first time I saw it and immature assholes laughing and making jokes throughout the second time. I shushed them like a mom at one point though.

The story is really well told and well acted. I cried like a big girl both times. Heath Ledger (Side Bar: I totally love 10 Things I Hate About You) and Jake Gyllenhaal were perfect and Michelle Williams has come a long ass way from her Dawson's Creek days. Plus it's just a pretty movie. I don't know anything about movie technical stuff, but the scenes were very postcard-esque. Like the images on screen were set-up and organized well like a photograph. I don't know what that is called in the film world or if that even makes sense.

Everyone should go see it and not be stupid assholes about it being "gay."

Doowop.

2006-01-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

I hate hate hate how in the Winter the air is all dry and everytime you touch something you get shocked. I especially hate how in my head I'm always like, "Nope, it won't happen this time. Let me grab that doorknob....Ugh!" It's not like it hurts, it just annoys me.

Some of the Smartest People are Crazy.

2006-01-18T12:06:00.000-05:00

This is my post where I make ramblings about things that are somewhat associated with each other. Woo! My brain is trying to be more organized.

I have a guilty obsession with Check Up On It by Beyonce. I don't know why, but I heard it on the radio and then I had to get it and listen to it 856 times in a row.

I find it somewhat comforting that you can always find Kelly Clarkson playing on some radio station. I don't necessarily like Kelly Clarkson, but for some reason knowing Kelly Clarkson is a constant in the world is nice. I do like to sing loudly and off-key to Since You've Been Gone (or U Been Gone or whatever it is called.)

Did something happen to Fat Joe? I have heard that motherfucking What's Love (Or Luv) song 5 times in my last 4 car trips. It gets in my head and I can't get it out and then Beyonce gets upset that I am cheating on her and then Kelly Clarkson comes and tells us it's a moment like this that we've been waiting for and Beyonce tells her to go smoke some more pot and put on some shoes. It's quite a mess in my head sometimes and I think I'm getting more and more crazy from being unemployed.

I think I scared y'all enough for one day...

(Credit for the title of this post goes to Heather.)

Have a nice day.

2006-01-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

One of my 5 lovely readers (I'm looking at YOU, Domenica) told me I was slacking on the ramblings lately so this is my attempt to stop slacking.

I'm pretty boring lately which is unfortunate for y'all who still read this. I have been on two job interviews this week and I have another one on Friday. As Sara said when it rains, it pours. However, for her it's pouring job offers instead of awkward meetings where she rambles about bullshit with strangers and says stupid things. Yay for Sara though, she deserves it. Congrats!

Because of the job interviews I have brushed my hair two days in a row! I don't think that's happened since high school or freshmen year of college. I always feel bad when I go to interviews with nice hair that doesn't look like two pigeons had dirty kinky pigeon sex in it and then got chased by a half crazed wombat through it. If I got the job, it would not look that pretty very often. Maybe once a week, twice if I liked them.

I hope people just hire me and don't want to do second interviews because then I'd have to buy another pair of pants. I feel weird wearing skirts on interviews. I don't know why, but I do. It's not like I'd wear a short skirt. It's weird because before about two summers ago, I would never ever wear a skirt above my knees at all. I don't know what finally made me start to wear shorter skirts. I think it just got really hot one day.

I'm reading this book right now. It has some funny parts. It really just makes me want to watch Freaks and Geeks though. (The author is the creator of the show.) It's kind of weird because I don't think I've ever gotten into a guy's head so much. Although, I'm not sure if the author counts as a "normal" guy.

I ordered some other books off Half.com for super cheap because the library in town scares me. First, I'm scared I am going to see someone I knew when I was like 7 years old and have to talk to them. Or worse, someone who knows my parents who I'll have to talk to. Second, their book selection used to be super horrible. I don't know if it got any better, but I just imagine 856 copies of The DaVinci Code and the same old dusty Sweet Valley High books I read back in the day. Thirdly, I think I owe them like 90 bucks for some late charge.

My brain hurts. Is that good, Domenica?

Flaven!

2006-01-09T11:50:00.000-05:00

I totally saw people do lines of coke off a Dodge City machine in a crowded bar. They were in a corner, but no attempt was made to hide what they were doing.

These college kids today...

This is why I don't leave the house.

2006-01-04T16:51:00.000-05:00

Today I went to buy milk at the local Landhope. When I went up to pay, I tried to go to the nice smiley old man, but this other cashier called me over to her line. Of course, she was the scary crack addict kind of cashier. While I was waiting for her to ring up my $1.79 purchase and give me a receipt, she was talking to a girl standing next to the cashier booth thingy and of course, it took forever because god forbid she stop talking for 3 fucking seconds and do her job. This is their conversation:

Cracky McGee: My boyfriend is older. Like 10 years older.
Other girl: That's not too bad.
Cracky McGee: I like them older though. They do it better.
Other girl: (Doesn't hear Cracky) What?
Cracky McGee: He fucks me better.
Cracky McGee: (To me) You know?
Me: Uh, I like milk! No want receipt!

I felt like such a mom, but INAPPROPRIATE!

Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern

2006-01-04T01:45:00.000-05:00

I lied before when I said my next post would be funny. HA! Instead my next post will be this and you all will laugh and cheer and make altars to my words. Or just skim through it and quickly shut the window.

But yeah, does anybody have any good book suggestions? I'm bored and I already read the entire Internet so I'm moving on to books. I like both non-fiction and fiction. I don't like stuff I have to read with a dictionary. My favorite book is Gone With the Wind, but that's not an accurate description of what I usually read. (By the way, has anyone seen my copy? I think my bed ate it.) A lot of history based stuff bores me because I can't remember details and I get confused.

So, yeah, pretty much anything that isn't for fancy smarty pants people because I am not one of them.

Sigh.

2006-01-03T15:02:00.000-05:00

It's 2006. I think I'm supposed to be all, "Woo! It's a new year, yay!" but I really just don't care. My only concern is that 2006 is better than 2005 which shouldn't be too hard. However, for the first three days of 2006, I haven't done anything except sleep a lot. It's the year of laziness so far.

I'll try to think of something funny and somewhat positive for the next time I write here.

I'm a mess.

2005-12-28T21:33:00.000-05:00

Since I can use my own computer now, I am going to be in my room a lot more so I decided I should finally clean it. I must explain that I never really put anything away from my apartment because then I would have to actually admit to living at home. So basically all my crap is on my floor and it's a messy messy death trap up here. I have been slowly cleaning and sadly, moving in.

I have my double bed from school here and there was a lot of crap accumulated in there since I only sleep on half of it and apparently have been using the other half for storage. Here is what I found so far:
4 magazines
4 books (including the humongus newest Harry Potter)
2 CDs
2 sweaters
1 blazer
1 t-shirt (My pink Bermuda shirt that my mother said she'd throw away if she ever saw again. I think I meant for that to be in there.)
1 stolen pad of paper from the place I interned at
1 3rd grade jazz costume (I was going to wear it for Halloween but there were severe crotch issues with it)
956 socks

I can't believe I am admitting to this behavior over the interweb, but man that fucking bed was a mess. It's weird because I am anal-y neat about most things except for this one room.

I am a happy girl.

2005-12-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is Joanne and I no longer use dial-up.
Things are much shinier and faster over on the 2005 side of technology.

Yay to my Mom for the awesome Christmas present of DSL.

A Merry Holiday Tale.

2005-12-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

Every year on Christmas we go to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Lancaster. This year was no different so we went over there yesterday for dinner and a present exchange. This year was spectacularly awesome because Domenica hand picked out my awesome present of pink shoes (That makes 2 pairs now) that completely kick ass.

However, this year also had its dark moment. My aunt does this German tradition of "hiding the pickle." (Suprisingly, no porn results like I thought I'd get for googling that.) Basically, it's an ornament shaped like a pickle and she hides it on the tree than all the "kids" get to find it one by one. When you find it, you get to hide it for the next group and you also get a pickle prize.

I completely suck at finding the pickle. I have no luck at all, every year I am last and usually someone has to tell me where it is. This year I was also last. However, this year I was beaten by a four year old and it was even more embarrassing. Then I couldn't find where Gabby hid the stupid pickle, she stumped me. In my defense, I would like to note that the green pickle is hid within a green tree...

It's especially delightful because everyone who isn't playing and who has already won watches you and makes comments about how much you suck. My personal favorite was my Uncle Joe with this gem: "No wonder you can't find a job, you can't even find an ornament on the tree." Then as we were leaving my dad kept asking me to find my sister which confused me because she was sitting next to him, but as everyone else except me and Domenica got, he was just making fun of me.

Oh, memories.

Gold Star.

2005-12-24T11:17:00.000-05:00

I read this following bit at Pamie.com which got it from here and I thought it was interesting.

When St. Andrew's Episcopal School in Austin, Tex., was faced with an ultimatum—pull Annie Proulx's short story "Brokeback Mountain" from its reading list or lose a $3-million donation to its building fund—school officials chose to give up the money. That decision is reverberating far beyond Austin. Writers from around the country have been so inspired by the school's actions that they've formed a group of young adult authors called AS IF! (Authors Supporting
Intellectual Freedom).

The man who withdrew his $3 million opposed "discussion on pornographic material concerning deviant behavior."

I think it's really great that a school especially a parochial or private (whichever it is) school would turn down the money and say no to censorship.

Look at me using the fancy quote feature!!

I'm losing my mind.

2005-12-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

I totally had something I wanted to say on here then my mom made me go upstairs to find this Tupperware container she wanted and it took like 16 hours because she told me she wanted "the plastic one with the round lid" which is like 98% of the containers she has. So I kept finding one and bringing it to her and she'd tell me no and add more helpful hints like "it's taller than that" but then of course the next one would be too tall. I finally found what she wanted. It was in the refrigerator already filled with tartar sauce... I had to do it because she is doing her Feast of the Seven Fishes preparation and I would like to be able to eat it. Plus she's my mom and she gave birth to me and that always wins every argument no matter what.

But yeah, so I forgot what I was going to say, but then I just posted this instead because I'm awesome like an 86 year old woman like that.

Oh, Christmas Tree.

2005-12-22T01:20:00.000-05:00

My dad told me the other day that when I was little, about 2 or 3 or 4ish (How old are kids when they start to walk? 9?) I used to like to pull the Christmas tree down. I'd just yank on the bottom branches till it toppled over and then giggle or dance or something.

My dad solved the problem by tying the tree to the curtain rod and then I would just pull and pull until I got bored.

This is one of the many reasons why I was the "bad" child.

Kennett Square News Update

2005-12-21T11:56:00.000-05:00

I find this interesting. From the Philadelphia Inquirer:

Rich Rowe found a wallet along Route 1 near Longwood Gardens on Friday. Fancy, tan Prada job. Opened it up: Credit cards. New York driver's license for Susan Weaver. Gold's Gym membership card in Weaver's stage name, Sigourney.

Ah. Sigourney Weaver's wallet.

"I didn't know what to do," says Rowe, 23, a maintenance mechanic for Phillips Mushroom Farms. "I wanted to get ahold of her somehow."

Rowe says he tried calling credit-card companies but could not reach a live human. He called Gold's Gym, but wasn't too keen on mailing the wallet to persons unknown in New York.

He thought that the actress was in Kennett Square for a reason and that a friend of hers might be listening to Paul Barsky's show on WYSP-FM (94.1). So the word went out, and lo and behold, a friend was listening. Weaver's husband and publicist then got involved.

Rowe brought the wallet to the station on Independence Mall, and Barsky producer Michael Cerio rewarded Rowe with tickets to Friday night's Disturbed concert at the Electric Factory. He also got to meet the band.

Cerio asked for a call-in from Weaver, and she did so yesterday. But the question remained: How did her wallet end up beside the road, 130 miles from home?

Aliens?

Something simpler, she said. She was visiting friends - remember that she was here in '04 to shoot M. Night Shyamalan's The Village - and stopped to shop for boots at Wal-Mart. "I must have put it on top of the car," she said. "I knew it wasn't stolen" because the cards had not been used, adding: "The Christmas spirit lives."

Besides the fact that Sigourney Weaver bought boots at Wal-Mart in Kennett Square (I told you all it was the coolest place we had), that Barsky ass still has a morning show and people listen to it!

Bada bing.

2005-12-20T13:33:00.000-05:00

I watched Closer yesterday. Jude Law has really weird ears. I know he is supposed to be super hot and sexy and all, but he does nothing for me. Even before I noticed the ears, I never saw the appeal.

The world's greatest song may be "Too Close" by Next. It's a whole song about boners! What's not to love? It makes me laugh. It's a song I would write if I got drunk and tried to write a song. "I wonder if she could tell I'm hard right now..."

I do not now nor do I ever want to go to law school. If anyone brings it up again, I will cut them regardless if they are my grandfather or a stranger. I still also have no desire to sell Pepsi products so we can stop mentioning that one as well.

I really like Nutri-Grain bars. I could eat the blueberry ones all day. But does one Nutri-Grain bar actually satisfy anyone's hunger? How can people eat just that for breakfast? I would prefer to not eat anything over one Nutri-Grain bar.

I really need a job because I thought today was Monday. I also had no idea it was the 20th already, I thought it was the 15th or 16th. I am a loser.

The coldest winter in almost fourteen years.

2005-12-15T15:12:00.000-05:00

I love how everytime winter comes people forget what cold was like and walk around saying stuff like, "Fucking hell, I've never been so cold!" and "This December is much colder than last year." And by people I mean me and by say I mean shiver out through chattering teeth.

That's my Flash catching snowflakes on her tongue. She really liked to eat snow. When we would shovel the driveway, she would help by eating it. Aww, I miss her.

Could anybody tell that I have been deleting old files and pictures off my computer and found a bunch of stuff I forgot about? I posted a lot of pictures lately.

It's me, Mario!

2005-12-14T16:55:00.000-05:00

I am not in a Christmas-y mood at all this year and it depresses me and makes me even less Christmas-y than I already was and more miserable. Ugh, I usually love Christmas! It makes me so nerdily happy! But this year, I'm all Grinchy. I have no money so I can't buy people the cool gifts they deserve. My overused joke is that everyone is getting donations to the "Joanne needs a beer, motherfuckers" fund. It can't even be good beer! It will be PBR or Milwaukee's Best or something gross and watered down.

I'm stopping there. I hate when I get all diary-ish on this thing. That's not my intent with this. Here let's look at this crappy picture of me and the love of my life to cheer us all up.

I found this on my computer and thought it was funny. This statue is in Center City by the City Hall Wendy's and I drunkenly made Ram take a picture of me with it once because I heart Mario. I think it was in 2003. I kind of look Asian in this picture, I think I was laughing or maybe I just was Asian that day.

My neighbors are weird, Part 2.

2005-12-13T12:08:00.000-05:00

Someone actually bought that sign and posted it on their mailbox... I don't really know what to say about it except that everytime I see a dead squirrel, I am tempted to pick it up and throw it on their driveway. Good thing dead squirrels are dirty and gross and thus I would never touch one.

I still suck at this.

2005-12-11T12:26:00.000-05:00

Today is my one year anniversary of blogging. Who thought I would actually do this that long? I didn't. I never stick with anything. Well, except whining and complaining, but I'm adorable when I do those. Thanks to everyone who has read this and put up with me especially the people who came here seeking porn and my 5 dedicated readers.

It's somewhat funny that when I made this blog I always intended to give it a real name and I just wrote "i don't know, i'll think of something later" to fill in the box. One year later and I still haven't used my brain and named it. I'm going with it though, it's grown on me and I now declare that it's the official name.

So, I christen ye "i don't know, i'll think of something later." I'm going to smack a 40 on my computer tower to officially christen the site, but that will probably take me a year to do also.

Bitch will stab you.

2005-12-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

I went Christmas shopping with Domenica today and learned about such interesting things as how to build a bear and that athletic apparel is quite expensive.

But by far the most important thing I learned is that Taco Bell should not give Domenica sauce on her fucking quesadilla. Girl will get mad and then yell at anyone in sight for it. If she gets quesadilla sauce (which by the way tastes like a sneaker dipped in spices) it will be your fault and then she will yell about the sauce for the entire meal and criticize the way you eat a taco just to make your meal as bad as hers.

Please, Taco Bell, next time she specifies no sauce give her no sauce.

PS. Please see Sara's post in reference to Fiona Apple and add a couple fucks and a part about her speech on bullshit that confused drunken me plus some more praising of her and how good it was and that it was a fun time and you'd get what I would have said.

My neighbors are weird, Part 1.

2005-12-06T12:08:00.000-05:00

Who buys such ridiculous fucking things? My neighbors confuse me to no end. These are people who wait for you, flag you down off the street and ask if you have seen anyone drive an inch or two on their precious lawn, but then they proudly display creepy tree accessories.

Snow!

2005-12-05T23:59:00.000-05:00

It's snowing! I like snow. It is all pretty and fluffy and white. You know until it gets all dirty and black and slushy. When I was little I had a kick ass yellow snow suit with a bubble gum machine on it from London Fog. Hmm, I wonder if I have some weird past psychoanalysis thing with that coat and that's why I hate gum. Maybe it wasn't kick ass!

I still like snow. I just don't really like the cold part of it. I never really owned sweaters until I got to college because I always had a winter uniform sweater made of super polyester, wool and metal fragments that itched like hell and made me hate sweaters. Plus don't even get me started on the fucking turtlenecks we had to wear under that did nothing to stop the itching and made my head feel like it was going to fall off at any second. I don't even really own real sweaters now. I buy really cheap thin ones at Target because I can't stand the bulky sweater and they aren't that effective so I usually just end up fucking it and wearing a t-shirt. I just really hate feeling itchy. God bless cotton.

Just another way Catholic school has somehow broken me.

My new cover letter.

2005-12-02T15:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am applying for the XXX position that was on XXX as of XXX. I recently graduated from [University I Attended] and I really need a job. As you may know, money and health insurance do not grow on trees.

My past job experiences includes internships and jobs that are on my resume which is attached to this letter. If you want to know what I did and what my GPA was look at that. If that is too complex for you, I don't want to work for you anyway because you are an idiot.

I don't like idiots. I don't work well with them. However, I normally get along with most people. I don't talk too much at first, but give me a bit of time and you will find I am quite enjoyable and funny. I enjoy jokes about inappropriate subjects and am excellent at making awkward comments.

Some things I have achieved that are not on my resume include having read Books 1 through 100 in the Babysitters' Club series as well as Super Specials 1 to 10, dancing a top a bar and being offered a dollar, vomiting in a bathtub and being able to check my own oil.

I really like the colors pink and green. I also like to write and watch television. I can operate Microsoft Word like a motherfucker and will gladly show you how to make columns without rolling my eyes too much. I think Harry Potter and using proper grammar and punctuation is sexy. I don't know any other languages besides English, but I could probably manage a sentence or two in Pig Latin or in Whining.

Your company seems interesting mostly because you are hiring and will pay me. I promise that I'll do a really good job at whatever it is you want. I work hard and I drink heavily and it would be really great to include your company in the working part. Thank you for your time in reading this letter. Which by the way, I spent time writing so could you not be an asshole and actually respond. Good or bad news doesn't matter, just be a kind, courteous human and respond especially if we have an interview.

Sincerely,
Joanne

Another random story from my past.

2005-12-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

Argh, mateys! Time to settle in after ye harsh travels across thee bastard sea for a tale mighty and true. Or just a kind of funny and nerdy tale. Like me!

So, a long long time ago (from 1999 to 2003 according to my old resume) I used to work at [Place I Used to Work At.] Basically, I was a cafeteria lady with a baseball cap instead of a hair net. It was a pretty horrible job at times, mostly because I worked my ass of and got little pay and no respect and/or recognition for my hard work. Plus I was the only one in the cafeteria who spoke English so also at times it was pretty lonely. After some close diagnosis, I believe that every low self esteem thought I have in regards to myself stems from my tenure there. But anyway, here is my somewhat famed (in Delaware, at least) story of one day at work there. Please keep in mind that in 4 years, this is probably the most interesting thing that ever happened to me there. Also, keep in mind that this tale is told awesomely in person and I hope it translates well here.

Alright, I am 16 or 17 and working in the Hot Foods section one night by myself and I was really bored. There weren't a lot of customers and it was kind of hot and I was hungry and generally cranky. Some customers approached me, neglecting the huge sign in front of their faces and the sample plates displayed prominently, and asked me what the entrees were for dinner. As I went over the 3 choices, I remember thinking that I could really give 2 fucks about serving these people food and I was having trouble completing my sentences. I thought it was just the boredom, but I began to see spots and then the general noise in the cafeteria got really wonky and freaky. I slowly backed away from the people, ignoring their orders and went to leave.

The next thing I remember is being outside the cafeteria on the dock out back laying on the cement with the kitchen staff surrounding me. Our work uniform required us to wear black pants, shoes and socks which I always did, except this day. I wake up with my feet above my head on a fruit box and my bright fucking white socks staring at me. Of all the things, about this day. I'll always remember the socks the most. Obviously, I was really confused about what was going on, but also really embarrassed about the socks. It was explained to me that I had passed out, but luckily one of the chefs, Omar, had been walking by and caught me before I hit the floor. (Thank god! That shit was dirrrty.)

I thanked Omar and tried to go back to work but no one would let me get up. They had called the security guards to come help me and I had to wait. Someone on the kitchen staff picked me up and put me in a roll-y office chair and made me wait out on the dock like an asshole with everyone staring at me while the guy came. I was super freaked out because I thought somehow I was dying and I started to hyperventilate a bit. The restaurant's general manager, who I absolutely hated, starting asking me how to contact my parents. I could not think of my own phone number or my dad's to save my life. So the guy who already thought I was stupid, now thought I was extra stupid. Finally, the nice manager told him to leave me alone and go look it up in my file.

The guard shows up and he has all this creepy medical stuff with him and I really start crying because no one would let me move and I didn't know what was going on with me. They wheel me through the kitchen crying and panting, in front of all the people who weren't already staring at me, and into the elevator.

The security guards at [Place I Used to Work At] are all usually retired police officers or just retired men and thus old. This guard was no different. He gets one of the kitchen staff to lift me off the chair and place me on the floor. He starts doing doctor-y things to me and I'm freaking out because he keeps muttering. He makes some "Uh-oh" noises and decides he needs the oxygen tank for me. This is when my sister Nina shows up. We live like 6 minutes away, but she must have sped like hell to get there for me. She sees me on the floor, crying, white as a sheet with a old dude fumbling with an oxygen mask on top of me and she gets a concerned look on her face. Seeing her look that way made me get concerned for her so I stopped crying.

At this point, the story turns humorous and I finally began to relax and realize this wasn't a big deal. So, as the guy is leaning down to attach the oxygen mask to my face, he farts super loudly. I look at Nina and she looks at me and she laughs hysterically while I try to not laugh and just breathe in my nice clean oxygen. Now, of course, my father shows up (Nina called him) and does his Lou thing of befriending everyone in the room while somehow finding a way to yell at me. The GM comes in and tells us that the ambulance is here to take me to the emergency room.

I had no idea that there was an ambulance called and have a mini-freak out again because I just want to go home now and have my mom make me spaghetti. But no, of course not. Next thing I know a gurney is being rolled into the room and these 2 female paramedics are strapping me to it. My dad gets in the ambulance with me and my sister follows us in her car.

Let me explain here that my dad is claustrophobic and doesn't really like hospitals and, you know, his daughter passing out and having to go to the hospital. I'd never been inside an ambulance before and I don't know how many of my 5 readers have, but there is minimal sitting space and it's definitely cramped inside. My dad is somewhat heavy (think Tony Soprano) and is forced to sit on this super tiny bench about 12 inches wide. The paramedics were pissed about having to come get me because it was chili night at the fire house and they wanted chili. (Thus why I associate chili with firefighters.) The one was driving super fast, changing lanes left and right and my dad kept sliding all over the bench and looking like he was going to vomit. It was odd me being strapped to gurney telling my dad everything would be okay and to breathe.

When we get to the hospital, they bust through the doors and wheel me to the front. I get a room right away which was completely ridiculous because I am totally fine at this point, just embarrassed and kind of glad I got off work. While Nina, my dad and I are waiting in our cushy room, a man is wheeled in who punched his arm through a plate glass door. His arm is completely shredded and oozing blood everywhere. We see bone. But he has to wait outside because I came in an ambulance. My dad almost throws up again at the site of bloody man and forbids me and Nina from laughing or speaking until the guy gets moved.

I get a bunch of tests like an EKG done and they take my blood which is the one thing I can't stand, but my dad holds my hand cause I'm a princess. It's like 3 hours after I passed out now and I really have to pee. No one has been in to see us in a while and we've determined that I'm not dying so I just decide to go. I get up and walk out to the bathroom. On the way there, I am stopped by my nurse. I think she was waiting for me. She tells me I have to pee in a cup because she thinks I am pregnant, but she didn't want to confront me in front of my dad. I tell her I'm not, but I will gladly pee in her stupid cup. I go to the bathroom and when I get back she is in the room telling my dad how I may be pregnant, but I didn't want him to know. She then gave me a lecture on birth control. You can imagine my dad's reaction to that one. He was nice though and told the lady I was a good smart Catholic girl. However, later he told me that I needed to keep my legs closed until he was dead.

We wait some more and the lady comes and tells us that I'm not pregnant. Duh. We hope to leave, but crazy nurse lady has another theory. She has decided that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. She explains it and asked me if I had to go the bathroom when the incident occurred. I tell her no. She continues on, ignoring my answer, explaining how she determined I had IBS. None of her reasons occurred in my situation at all. My dad tells her she is wrong because if there is one thing my family has, it's un-irritated bowels. She finally let us leave since she can't come up with anymore ideas.

It's funny because the people at work thought I was pregnant as well and it spread throughout the whole restaurant and apparently, someone at the restaurant was the father. But sadly the real truth is boring. Basically I passed out because I was overworked and hungry and had been standing for way too many hours. I scared the shit out of myself and my dad and Nina. But we got to have a unique bonding experience and learn about proper methods of birth control and my mom did make my spaghetti.

So there is my long ass story of my youth.

I never did find out if those people got any food.

My debut.

2005-11-30T00:14:00.000-05:00

Wes Bentley totally shook my hand. Like OMG!

Look for me from the back boarding a train in The Ungodly! Look for Juan walking in front of me! Look for Sara and Ram walking through the station and up some stairs! Look for the house as the old lady's house! Look for our names in the credits at the very super end in tiny print!

Since you are looking, look for a job for me while you're at it!