Lap Dance

Who wants to be my friend?

I have 4 tickets to go see Hanson at the Trocadero in October. Woo.

You know you wanna go so you can watch me shake it (badly) to "Lost Without Each Other."

This is my 94th post.

Wow, that's a lot longer than I thought I'd do this thing for. I thought it would be like when I took up... uh, well I never took up anything before. So, 94 is pretty good for me. I'm sure that's a low number for as long as I've had this, but let me have my fucking moment.

Alright, in other news that no one gives a fuck about. I beat Level 3 of Bart Vs. the Space Mutants and have now moved on to Level 4. I think this is the hardest game ever created. Level 4 is insane, there are mummies and rivers and lasers!

One August goal is completed, one to go. It's sad that I totally did the unimportant one first. I know everyone probably thinks I'm a useless bum and stuff like that, but someone has to be the unemployed useless bum. I make everyone else feel better about themselves and that's fine with me.

My new August goal is to have a fun story to share that isn't about television or Nintendo.

Sara and I did manage to pick up old, married men at a bar and get them to buy us beer. Well, I think Sara more picked them up. As we all know, I'm not very nice and don't talk to strangers. It was fun though. I also introduced Sara to Erotic Photo Hunt (Hi Mom!) which she is very good at. We actually finally had one that was missing a boob! It was awesome.

Lifetime: Television for the Really Bored.

I love how everyone else posts about things they do and stuff that has happened to them and I post about what I watch on TV. It's nothing, but good times being unemployed...

I love Lifetime movies. (Yeah Ro!) They are cheesy and awesome and they teach me great life lessons.

I recently watched the horribly bad movie She's Too Young featuring the sort of recent Oscar winner and nominee, Marcia Gay Harden. It was not as awesomely bad as the masturbation movie, Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life, where a young boy was an outcast for masturbating because he was the only teen boy who did it and all other teens didn't do it and he was disgusting for doing it and his classmates hated him because he masturbated and somehow a girl in his high school class had her own porn site, but she was popular not gross and then the other boys kicked the crap out of him for being such a perv.

Basically, She's Too Young can be summarized by its tagline: To fit In, you've gotta put out. It's all about how girls need to give boys blowjobs in order to be popular. And then the girls get syphilis. And the parents don't care, except Marcia, because they want their girls to be popular so it's okay that they are 14 and have orgies and steal porn and pick up random guys at the coffee house to give head to.

The "hot" guy in the movie must have been like 48 years old and looked like a child molester, but for some reason if you blew him you were instantly cool. You were also cool if you said stuff like "whack" and "girlfriend."

Thus in conclusion: giving blowjobs makes you cool and popular.

Things I Think About..

I really wish I knew how to tap dance. I think that would be really cool. Especially if I got involved in a tap dance challenge and there was a big giant tap dance showdown.

That would be awesome.

Oh, Gmail.

Today I got the greatest Gmail ad ever.

The Original Fecalgram
Anonymously send them a box of poop and see their reaction online.
fecalgram.com


I'm scared to go to the site. Someone go for me. Please...

If I didn't complain all the time, I'd have nothing to say.

I needed to write something and I didn't know what else to say. This is what you are going to get and you better like it.

I pretty much feel like I'm going to vomit all the time. Is that an ulcer? I looked it up on WebMD, but the information about ulcer says "stool" a lot and it just makes me laugh. When I looked up "stomach pain" most of the results were about pregnancy.

My personal diagnosis is that I'm going to die eventually and until then I will just feel vomitous a lot and whine a lot and you all will love and appreciate me and relish in my awesomeness. (Remember: I am extra super awesome because I once saw Frankie Muniz rock out to MMMBop and play the drums.) Or everyone will just tell me to shut up and beat me. I vote for Plan A.

My exciting goals for the month of August include:
1. Beat Level 3 of Bart VS. the Space Mutants.
2. Get one of those job things everyone has but me.

That is the excitment y'all have to look forward to reading about. How can you stand it?

Jelly Beans.

I really like Jelly Belly jelly beans. Me and Christina used to go buy a big bag at the grocery store all the time and eat them. That's an exciting story, I know.

But anyway, if you go to the Jelly Belly site you can do some trivia and get free jelly beans. I did it and enjoyed some free candy, but now I get email updates from them. Which isn't too bad they don't send stuff too often.

Today I got an email announcing Sport Beans:

Formulated to fuel your body during exercise with carbohydrates, electrolytes, and vitamins C and E, our brand new Sport BeansTM jelly beans provide your body with energy. Coming in Lemon Lime and Orange, Sport Beans fit the needs of anyone looking for a fast, great-tasting burst of energy.

So, uh, now apparently you can eat jelly beans and be an Olympian. It's a very Ram idea.