Confession

Hi, my name is Joanne and I am exclamation point-aholic. I am addicted to using the exclamation point in emails, texts, letters, notes, etc.

It's embarassing, but I'm just so attracted to its slender build and simplicity. Who knew a line and a dot could hold so much power over me? Oh, how I'm aching to go back and add them into those past sentences. I know admittance is only the first step, but I'm not ready to move past it quite yet...

! ! ! ! !

Barf.

After careful deliberation*, I've determined that the phrase "using the toilet" really grosses me out.

*Deliberation period was the one and a half years I've worked at a company that has a sign inside every bathroom stall reminding you that it is common courtesy to wash your hands after using the toilet.

Sleepy.

I've come to the conclusion that I am an extremely lazy sleeper. If I am asleep in my bed (or the floor where some drunken adventures may lead me) it pretty much takes a natural disaster for me to move.

Exhibit A: My bed faces a 5' x 6' window (I'm guessing at the size, but if I wanted to off myself and jump out, there would be no need to slouch) and every morning there is a blinding amount of sun. Now after living in a basement with no windows, this is extremely welcome, but that sunlight is crazy hot. Every morning I wake up covered in sweat and have to kick the blankets around to get to a nice sleeping temperature. Instead of having to get up to shut the blind OR just in case I may have to move to get the blanket that is now on the floor, I have decided to just sleep with the window open. I shiver myself to sleep instead of having to get up at 6 am and shut the blinds.

Exhibit B: If I have to pee, you best believe that my back teeth better be floating in it before I'll be motivated enough to move. I'd rather stay half awake for an hour willing my bladder to fall asleep then take three minutes to go to the bathroom.

Exhibit C: I used to use an actual alarm clock, but having to move to check the time was too much work for sleepy me so I solved this problem by sleeping with my cell phone in my bed. Also sad, I set the alarm to make noise and vibrate so when the alarm does go off, I can hear/feel where it is with minimal movement.

And god forbid, something fall into the crack between the bed and the wall like my pillow. Screw you pillow, I'll just use my arms, you are waaaay too far away.

Wear a Raincoat.

Random thought I had while waiting 56 weeks for the pharmacist to package my drugs: Why is the condom and lubricant aisle at the drugstore categorized under "Family Planning"? Isn't buying condoms more of preventing a family than planning one? I feel it should be renamed to Contraceptives and Other Stuff. They may need to work on that end part though.

A blonde walks into a bar...

One nice thing about my job [I know! Not a complaint, a nice thing!] is that the majority of people I deal with on a daily basis, I have never met face-to-face; our clients are all over the country and so is most of the staff. It's a pretty good deal, they call and talk, and I roll my eyes and listen.

Today I met one of the managers who lives in California that I talk to daily. It was totally hilarious to meet her because she took one look at me and said, "You're not blonde!" She pictured me as a "very tall blonde."

So not only do I sound blonde on the phone, but also tall. Go me.

Clavicle.

Today a random lady told me I had a nice collarbone.

I was both creeped out and flattered.

Thanks lady!

Heed My Words and Take Flight.

I was feeling an extra bit depressed the other day and I had the most random thought that immediately cheered me up. I don't think I've ever had an "instant smile" moment from a thought in my head before. Other people or something have definitely caused that reaction, but I don't think I've ever done it to myself. At least not this randomly.

Anyway, so woe is me, I'm feeling sad and then into my head pops, "The next time you're at the checkout counter and you hear the beep, think of all the fun you can have on...SUPERMARKET SWEEP!"

Seriously, that is all I needed, just that phrase and I was smiling.

Please tell me other people remember Supermarket Sweep. It was one of my absolute favorite things. It probably still would be if it was still on. I used to make Nina play it with me in our grandparent's basement and I totally had a whole plan figured out for how to win the big sweep. Sadly, I could still probably recount it for you. (Meats, diapers, medicine, coffee, paper products, bonus item. They never showed the complete layout of the store so it was hard to decide on the order. Very stressing.)

I guess in a way Supermarket Sweep was like the Nickelodeon toy run, but for housewives and young me. The idea of running (I know, me running!) in a grocery store filling up shopping carts was thrilling.

The next time you are feeling blue, just think of me and Supermarket Sweep and just laugh because I am that much of a dork. (I tried to think of a good rhyme, but everything was too cheesy.)

Cranky.

I’ve been having that weird, restless, totally useless kind of sleep lately. You know, the kind where you always feel sort of half awake and you wake up more tired? It’s the worst. I really don’t think there is a worse kind of sleep. Well, maybe really drunk, room is spinning, have to hold onto the wall sleep. (Not that I ever have that… Hiya Mister!)

Anyway, the reason I think I’ve been having this crap sleep is because I’ve been having weird dreams about reading. Emails, books, newspapers, you name it, I’ve been reading it. In my sleep. In a dream. It makes no sense.

Seriously, what kind of nerd am I that I read in my dreams and try to concentrate on those words so much that I can’t fully sleep? I need some psychiatric help.

Somethings.

Today things happened:

Thing That Annoyed Me: Mondays suck. Everyone knows that. It's super fucking great when you are finally able to be so in denial about the fact that it is Monday and you have five full days of hearing aids, pardon instruments, left that you can convince yourself that it is not Monday. But then of course, you step into your car and the local easy listening station has to play Monday songs. Because nothing helps Monday pass than being constantly reminded about it through smooth jams like "Manic Monday."

Thing That Creeped Me Out: My boss told me I wasn't allowed to wear my green skirt tomorrow because she loved it so much and she was finally able to track down one for herself. Then she asked me where I got my pants because those were great too...

Thing That Made Me Sleepy: Pretending that my tasks to complete for the next three days actually took longer than two hours. Seriously, it is not THAT hard to title 8 columns in a spreadsheet.

Odd.

Today a really weird thing happened to me. Basically, the phone rang and I answered it and the following occurred: (Or at least as much as I could remember)

Me: Hello?
Lady: Joanne?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Hi Joanne, it's Aunt Anna.
Me: Uh, hi Aunt Anna, how are you?
Lady: I'm good, thanks. So did you decide?
[Side: I have an Aunt Anna, she is my mom's aunt and she is slowly losing her mind. I don't know if it is dementia or Alzeheimer's, but she asks how old I am and where I go to school every 5 minutes. She has never called me before and I was really concerned about her state of mind so I was trying to be nice.]
Me: Uh...decide about what?
Lady: If you are coming to lunch with me.
Me: Who is this exactly?
Lady: Aunt Anna, Joanne.
Me: Okay, I don't mean to be rude, but you may not be MY Aunt Anna.
Lady: Is this Joanne?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Is this a PA number?
Me: Yes.
Lady: ...and you have a Aunt Anna too?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Well, I don't think you are MY Joanne.
Me: Yeah, neither do I, Ma'am.
Lady: You should have told me!
Me: I didn't know! I was confused.
Lady: Hmm, well, goodbye then.
Me: Bye

Seriously, what are the odds of that? Thankfully I figured out it wasn't my great aunt BEFORE I went to lunch with this lady.

I know there are a lot of Annas, but I like to think there aren't so many Joannes especially Joannes with Aunt Annas.

Alaska.

I need a haircut. Badly. My hair is starting to look like a cross between Hurley's from Lost and the lady from Dilbert:

I hate titling these.

Last night I had a dream that I was at a party for the Curious George movie and I was hanging out with Jack Johnson. I was groupie-ing out over Jack and was like, "Oh my god, so you like know Curious George? Can you introduce me? What big muscles you have! Tee-hee."

The weird part is that I don't think I've ever seen Jack Johnson before, but I googled him and he looked exactly like he did in my dream. He was however wearing super tiny shorts in my dream. I guess I've seen him somewhere before and just didn't remember. I'm not even really that familar with his music, just some stuff that Christina played last year.

And in case you're wondering about what kind of dream groupie I am, I totally made out with Jack Johnson to meet Curious George.