My future.

Here is a list of jobs that my family has suggested I pursue after graduation. I'm sure it will only continue to grow until June (and most likely after June, until I die.)

-Pepsi salesperson
-Nurse
-Cop
-Pharmaceutical Rep
-Pharmacist
-Director of Marketing
-Lawyer
-Real estate agent

As you can see, my family apparently knows shit about me or what I go to college for.

Boobies.

Stephanie Tanner has some huge knockers! I don't remember what they looked like when she was younger, I didn't get this pervy until college, so I'm not sure if they are fake, but she seems mighty proud of them.

The Full House E! True Hollywood Story was very disappointing. Except for the boobs, of course.

Television.

How come whenever you watch a TV show that you have only seen once before, you always see the same episode that you already saw? Or if its a TV show that you only watch occasionally, you see the episode that you saw last time?

Does this only happen to me?

Yes, deer.

My mom told me this story that one of our neighbors told her. I told one of my 3 readers, but I forget who so I'm telling it again. It's not really a story just a really random thing, I guess.

Apparently, in our neighborhood in one of the deer packs. I don't know what you call them: deer cliques, deer gangs, something like that...

But whatever, there is one deer that only has three legs who runs in our neighborhood. Now, everyone is on the look out for him. So we can laugh and stare at him.

The Rats.

Today I watched the worst movie ever. It wasn't even funny bad like Kickboxing Academy. It was just bad. It was called The Rats and according to IMDB it is supposed to be good for a TV movie...

I guess I just don't appreciate TV movies because I thought it was horrible. First off the fucking thing is about rats! Again, IMDB describes the plot as such, "A clan of evil rats overtakes a Manhattan department store and threatens to overrun the city." So not only was it about rats, but evil rats no less.

Basically, these rats had some sort of flower tested on them and it gave them lots of testosterone and the rats were no longer scared of people or some shit like that. I kept flipping between it and Soul Food on VH1. (I'm glad only 3 people read this and thus only 3 people will know the true patheticness of my existence.) The little girl from The Ring was in it, so she did add some creepiness. But mostly, it was just fucking dumb.

I will do the first ever "Joanne sums a movie and tries to make it short, but she has a tendency to ramble and thus the summary isn't short at all, but at least you didn't actually watch the shitty movie so at least humor her and let her write her ramblings" review. I'm working on the name, by the way.

Okay, so these rats invade some Fancy Department Store (FDS) in New York City, and then the FDS hires a "mysterious and suave" exterminator (MSE) to check it out. This fucking guy is like a guru on rats and is all, "Oh, the rats do this because I am mysterious and suave and sense what they are thinking." He is assigned to work with some lady who does something at the FDS and you know they are totally gonna make out at the end, but first he has to kill a rat with a baseball bat in her kitchen, save her daughter (Ring girl) from a public swimming pool filled with rats and impress her with all his rat knowledge. The lady must not have gotten out much because he was talking about rat shit and urine and their teeth and crap and she was all staring dreamily at him.

The rats are all attacking people and giving them some disease but the Health Department is all like, "Oh, no honey it ain't our fault." So, thus MSE has to come save the day with his black assistant who is forced to wear overalls while MSE and the lady wear really cute, fancy clothes to go rat killing. They end up figuring out that the rats like the scent of the flower that gave them super powers so they get boxes of it because Ring girl totally knows a florist who sells the exact same scent even though they built up how the flower was all rare or hard to grow or something. I wasn't paying attention at that part.

Thus MSE and the lady go to the public pool (which has been drained) and throw the perfume around so the rats come. Apparently, all sewer pipes in the city lead to this huge Olympic swimming pool. The super rats follow the scent and pretty soon there are rats bursting everywhere, they had CG rat geysers that made "whooshing" sounds. It was so dumb. Anyway, they set up these bomb electricity things because they are going to electrocute all the rats, but of course the dumb lady has to fall in the pool and get covered by the rats. MSE tries to save her, but the rats are all like eating her face and his arm, but luckily the black assistant shows up and with his help, MSE saves his woman. Dear god, this is long. But anyway, they blow up the rats and dead, bloody rat carcasses fly everywhere and everything is, yay and stuff so MSE, the lady and Ring girl walk in the park and make rat jokes, but little do they know the trash cans are all full of rats and all the rats slowly empty into the park and make rat faces at the camera.

In one part, the lady got attacked by a rat in a parking garage. The fucking thing leapt into her car and was like trying to drive for her, it kept popping up behind the wheel. She ends up kicking it out and then driving over it and smooshing it. Then she just gets out of the fucking car! I would have driven away not gone into the dark, possible rat infested garage, but whatever, I don't think rat shit is sexy. After all this, they zoom onto the dead rat's buddy who is up on some ledge somewhere and the rat bares his teeth and makes this face like, "I am remembering who you are bitch and I will get you back for killing Tom." I think the best actors in the movie were the rats which is why they chose to include all these god damn rat close-ups.

I was actually quite curious to know how they saved all the people with the mysterious rat disease that were dying, but they never mentioned it. Unless it happened when I was watching Soul Food and NOT crying over Big Mama's death. I guess they figured something out because the rats bit MSE and the lady, but they were making out in the park like nothing was wrong.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my summary of The Rats. I'm really fucking scared of rats now, but I know it'll be okay because I can just throw perfume on them and then shock them, and then I too can make out with someone in the park.

UNO!

Is it super nerdy that I really like playing card games?

UNO, Rummy 500 and Gin Rummy are my favorites.

My UNO cards got lost at my 21st birthday and it makes me sad.

Sometimes, I am astounded by my own nerdiness. It's amazing that I am this nerdy, but yet still so completely awesome.

Oh, Vlad.

Today in PR class, we were talking about mascots, specifically Charlie the Tuna, because I had to do this presentation about StarKist Tuna and Charlie is their mascot. That wasn't the point of this entry, but it is pretty funny now that I think about that I spent 8 minutes discussing tuna fish and a talking cartoon tuna today.

Anyway. In the midst of the mascot talk, Vladimir spits out the most random comment ever, which I immediately wrote down to share with you all, my 3 loyal readers. So, Vladimir while wearing a skin tight zip up ribbed turtleneck that was blue and had like this white tiedye, bleach pattern of zig zags on it and his skin tight black jeans said, "Dees thing known as Carrot Top. You know of heem? For long time, I not know if eet man or if eet de woman."

Is Carrot Top a mascot to foreigners? Does he greet you when you get off the boat at the entrance to America with a big flag shirt?

Woof.

Man, that dog hates her so much. First off, she named it Bit Bit. Secondly, she named it after herself, and thirdly, look at its eyes! They are burning like the fires of Mordor!

*There's a picture. I don't know why it takes 18 years to load sometimes.

Old people live in Florida.

When I was in Florida, I was watching TV with my sister while waiting to go eat dinner with my family. Because we were in Florida we had to watch Jeopardy like the rest of the population does. However, we weren't watching it as we fell asleep after eating our early bird special at 4 pm. Anyway, all the commercials were for stuff like Metamucil and Olvatine and shit which I thought was kind of odd, so I commented on it. My sister informed me that we were in Florida and old people live there thus why we suddenly wanted to buy osteoporosis pills.

Then this one commercial came on featuring this woman going to a spa with her friends, taking yoga classes and climbing a mountain and I thought we were finally watching a "young people" ad since the theme was obviously "I conquered my genital herpes and look what I can do now." Of course, I was wrong. The theme was actually, "I conquered shitting and pissing in my pants and look what I can do now." It was a commercial for Depends Adult Diapers. The woman in the commercial was not THAT old, I have no idea why they decided to put a 30 year old woman in this ad, but they did.

The best part was during her spiel about how much freedom her Depends gave her in her daily life. I swear on everything pink I own, she said, "They are almost bulletproof!" BULLETPROOF! Fucking bulletproof diapers! They also double as a motorcycle helmet in a crunch, I believe.

My sister heard the same exact thing as I did, so I'm not crazy at least. (Well, anymore crazy than I already am) We both almost needed Depends after this because we were laughing so hard.

I'm old...sorta..

I am graduating the University I Attend in June and then my life shall be over and apparently I become lame and old and nothing is cool anymore. At least that's what Vladimir told us in PR the other day. Then he added, "Oh, then you get married and you should just give up on everything." Thanks Vlad, you're super, you fucking ass.

But anyway, I somewhat see his point. I have to get a job soon and those suck. I don't like cubicles and the fluorescent lights make me look like I have malaria or something. So I decided I needed to get my ass into gear and do stuff. However, it is cold right now, so I won't do shit until I can go outside without my teeth chattering. Being the nerd I am, I decided to prepare and make a list of the Things I Must Do Before I Graduate College and Everything Starts To Go Downhill. (I'm working on the name of the list.)

The first thing on it was to drink a whole 40. I realized that I never finished one, I always quit when it got warm or my wrist hurt from lifting it. As you saw from my previous posts, I accomplished this. Now I need more. So, I ask you the 3 people who read this, what should I do? Help out a graduating girl.

Godspeed!

That was my brain on beer.

I don't remember typing that last post. I remember writing the first line, but not the rest of it. Sara only remembers the first line too. I think the devil made me write that or maybe a massive amount of beer. My brain works in a funny way sometimes.

Wah wah.

Malt liquor is made by the devil.

And it's totally 7 PM.

And Sara's lung has a tumor.

But Moulin Rouge rocks my socks.

As well as procrastination and Boggle.

And really bad country songs about a girl named Joanne.

God bless that.

And by the way, there's a worm in my spaghetti! Wah wah.

Something I've Learned.

I recently learned that it is possible to be drunk all day, every day and function. One can become a functioning alcoholic.

It requires much training, work, dedication and discipline, but it can be done.

God bless role models.