Jelly Beans.

I really like Jelly Belly jelly beans. Me and Christina used to go buy a big bag at the grocery store all the time and eat them. That's an exciting story, I know.

But anyway, if you go to the Jelly Belly site you can do some trivia and get free jelly beans. I did it and enjoyed some free candy, but now I get email updates from them. Which isn't too bad they don't send stuff too often.

Today I got an email announcing Sport Beans:

Formulated to fuel your body during exercise with carbohydrates, electrolytes, and vitamins C and E, our brand new Sport BeansTM jelly beans provide your body with energy. Coming in Lemon Lime and Orange, Sport Beans fit the needs of anyone looking for a fast, great-tasting burst of energy.

So, uh, now apparently you can eat jelly beans and be an Olympian. It's a very Ram idea.

I miss Florida.

In case anyone ever questioned how much of a princess I am this is the view I would wake up to in Florida.

It is a million times better than the view of the major highway I wake up to in Kennett Square.

In Florida, there is even an alligator to look at sometimes in that lake/pond/body of water behind our pool.

And so it goes.

Wow, it's been awhile. I went to Florida for a week with my 2 cousins and my aunt. I got a tan. My cousin Domenica got shit on by a bird and I decided that I should probably get puppies instead of having children.

I was scheduled to leave Philadelphia at 3:45 and arrive at Tampa at like 6:15. I think I got there at about 9:30-9:45. I had to sit on the plane on the runway forever. If there is lightning within 5 miles of the airport, you aren't allowed to fly out until 15 minutes goes by without lightning. This delays all planes and causes a huge backup and then US Airways was stupid and we had been waiting in the wrong line of planes and we had to go get in another line to depart. It was very painful and the plane was full and I had a middle seat and I just wanted to read Harry Potter. But, alas, that did not happen. Instead I got to sit next to Cracky McTalks-a-lot.

In the airport, I see this woman who looks somewhat insane and kinda dirty yelling on the payphones by our flight and in my head I was like "Great, I am going to have to sit next to her" and of course, I did. And of course, she was a talker. She opened the conversation by telling me her carry on bag was filled with dirt from
her son's grave.

Basically we were stuck on the runway for about 3 hoursish while we went through tons of bullshit airplane/lightning stuff. During the next painful hours of my life she proceeded to tell me her life story. She is a recovering crack addict (hence why she probably only had like 4 teeth on top and none on the bottom) who works in
Construction management from her home. She has a boyfriend who she loves very much, but only sees like twice a month. She has a teacup chihuahua.

Her son was 23 and suffered a massive coronary whilst driving and died. Which was really sad and I felt horrible for her so I asked some questions. I really wish I hadn't though... She believes that his 16 year old girlfriend gave him heroin, and fought with him so he would die. She then outlined to me how she was going to kill the girl. "I'm going to fucking cut that cunt from head to toe. First, I'm going to slit her throat and let her suffer for awhile..." She hopes that when the girl is dead she will either get custody of their one year old baby or be in jail.

This woman had no sense of how loud she was talking either. Everyone in the plane could hear her. I wanted to die. She smelt funny too and she kept leaning close to me to talk. I think my favorite part was when she offered me a Xanax. She pulled two pills OUT OF HER BRA and tried to make me take one. I told her I couldn't swallow pills.

She also told me where to buy crack at in Delaware and asked me if I knew where the [insert horrible racist word for African Americans here] lived because that is where I could get some crack real cheap. She told me that lately she has been smoking cigarettes two or three at a time to keep herself busy. Oh yeah, and she was also quizzing me on what kind of drugs people do now. She was asking me if we still snorted air catridges. I'm not sure but I assumed she meant those thingies that you buy to make whipped cream with. I don't remember what they are called. Someone tell me. She also asked if I knew what kind of stuff was sold at pharmacies that could give you a rush. I debated telling her I was Mormon or something so she would stop asking me about drugs, but after enough "I don't know" responses from me, she gave up. She also made some lovely comments about fat people. Basically, she felt they should not be allowed on planes, buses, trains, etc. with "normal" people.

She was a sad lady and she was living a sad life. I did feel bad for her, but mostly she just made me really uncomfortable during the whole flight especially the murder plotting and the racist comments.

I want to go back to Florida. But I think I need to drive or something else next time.

The birds and the bats.

Yesterday, I went to Target with my mother because that is what people who are unemployed and live with their mother do. Anyway on the way there were all these birds just flying in front of the car and being pretty risky for birds. My mother said how she has hit 2 birds with her car in the past year and she has been driving for X amount of years and she never hit one before. I remember Sara and I almost hit one too back in like June-ish.

When did birds lose their fear of cars and being hit by humans? They are just mocking us now. They know we won't hurt them and they are just fucking with us.

After we discussed birds my mom brought up our old neighbor Pruitt. He used to live next door to us when I was...in first or second grade? I don't remember. Pruitt is responsible for my cool Mickey Mouse tee shirt from Nashville. He gave it to my sister and she didn't want it so I got it. I bet no one ever thought that shirt would last like 15 years. At least, I think it was Pruitt. It might have been the people who lived there after him, but I don't think it was because they didn't live there too long. Although, we did have a Zorro club. I have no idea why we had a Zorro club, but we did.

But anyway, Pruitt used to make us go bat hunting every night. Which at the time was so cool, but as we learned from the Love Potion No. 9 incident, Little Joanne was an IDIOT.

Basically bat hunting consisted of getting some rocks, the best ones fit in the palm of your hand, and walking through the neighborhood throwing them up at bats. Oh, but how does one attract a bat you may ask. It's quite simple, you just make this horrid "Eeeeeeeeee" sound over and over and then throw the rocks up in the air. I'm surprised no one lost an eye.

I will make that bat noise upon request, by the way.

Foooood.

I had the best meal of my life the other night. Juan took me to Morimoto and it was delicious. We got this chef sampler sort of thing where they bring you 8 courses of whatever they want. The first course looked very scary, it was like a pink lump in this red juice with caviar on it, but it was one of the best things I've ever eaten and something I would never have tried normally. The rest of the courses were very good too. There was salmon, beef, halibut, sushi and some other stuff I don't remember. We also drank sake from a bamboo carafe. Juan and I failed at being sophisticated though because we didn't know how to pronounce carafe. I think it was the best date like thing I have ever been on. So, yay for Juan and for Morimoto.

I also had a very good weekend too. I like the fun. I got to hang out with Heather on Saturday which was very excellent because I haven't hung out with her in about 96 years. I frightened her with my dancing.

In other news, I am still looking for a job. I am also in a "transitional" period in my life. Times they are a-changin'.

Hold me closer Tiny Dancer.

Well...

Today I did something I never did before and never want to do again. I actually threw up whilst driving down the highway. I had a plastic bag, but of course, the bag had a hole in it. I finally found somewhere to pull off the road so I could vomit on the grass instead of myself.

And yes, it was as disgusting as it sounds. I have never felt so ill in my life.

Fourth of July was very cool though. I got to sit outside the Art Museum and hang out with people. It's nice that even though I graduated college and live at home, I still get to see people and hang out and do cool stuff. I like the doing of cool stuff with cool people.

I also made a new friend. I met a nice lady at the Port-a-Potty which I had to use. Twice. She told me she wished she had some toilet paper to give me, so I think she liked me as well. Yay for moms. I almost died in the bathroom. When it's dark out, those things are pitch black inside.

Elton John was very good. He obliged Drew's drunken request to play Tiny Dancer and then we all had a nice and drunken moment of swaying that had many almost falls. I wish he would have played more, but what he did play was good.

Hmm, that might be all I got. I know other stuff happened, but I think I'm too lazy to type it. And hey! I don't think I complained once in this entry! Did I? Yay for me! (Unless I did...)

Live 8

Live 8 was pretty cool. I may have watched a majority of it on a laptop in air conditioning, but I was also there for a good chunk of it too. I think it's pretty cool that I was at both Live Aid and Live 8. My children will be impressed by my coolness even though I was unable to form memories at the first one. Go look at Ram's blog for some pictures.

It's nice to do stuff.

Hire me!

PS. For all those who were concerned, I finally bought a new belt. Now my pants stay up and you won't have to see my underwear/ass anymore.