"Oy, with the poodles already!"

I have not had anything remotely funny happen to me or have observed anything funny happen because there is no funny-ness when you are stuck in your house all day. I have watched the entire second season of The Gilmore Girls on DVD and laughed out loud numerous times, but I don't think anyone wants to read about that.

I like to drive in my car because at least then I am somewhat outside and not a complete vampire. I see a lot of dead animals. If you were there we'd play Roadkill Bingo. By you, I mean anyone because as of right now I've named my passenger seat Smitty and talk to it. I always kick Smitty's ass at Roadkill Bingo. God, he is so bad at it! Smitty, however, is awesome at the staring game and the silence game. Tomorrow I may bring out the Monopoly board so I can feel superior to Smitty again.

Sigh, memories.

This is a little odd.

I purchased a tank top from Victoria's Secret online and it came and I did not like it. It was made for someone who had no boobs, despite the built in bra it came with. (Gosh, isn't this interseting?) So, I mailed the shirt back to them and filled out their little return form and whatnot. My reason for returning it was option 206: I changed my mind. I swear there was an option for everything. I just checked my email and I got a return confirmation letter from them. This is the opening:

"Dear Joanne, Your return has been received and is currently being processed. We're sorry that you were disappointed with your purchase. The details of your return arelisted below."

The 2nd sentence there really struck me as odd. I've returned stuff before. No one has ever expressed sorrow over my disappointment before. I want to reply to the email and tell them that I wasn't disappointed, I just have boobs. Maybe they will include that as their 207th option. Reason for return: I have breasts.

Help.

I need saving. The at home boredom has fully sunk in. I can no longer amuse myself with being at home. I did all the fun things 862 times already. Cable TV is my one joy. I have watched so much TLC, Law & Order: SVU reruns, MTV and VH1 this week. I already knew a lot of useless crap, but its multiplied by a thousand. For god's sake people today I watched Spice World! Spice World starring the Spice Girls! Yesterday, I watched Sidekicks featuring Chuck Norris, Jonathan Brandis and Winnie Cooper. I can only dream of what I'll get to see tomorrow.

Please save me..

By the way: According to IMDB, Chuck Norris sang the theme song to Walker, Texas Ranger.

Trim Spa, baby.

Can someone please tell me why the Presidents of the United States of America's song "Kitty" plays during the new TrimSpa commercial with Anna Nicole Smith? Is there a reason? I usually get things, but this I do not get at all.

Oh yeah, balls.

I forgot to put this in my last post and it's easier with dial-up to just make a new post instead of editing the old one.

Today I had to buy balls for my mom. We always make this cinnamon/raisin/walnut/death/deliciousness thing every Christmas morning and you need to buy these dough balls to do it. It was my job this year to hunt down the balls. We went to 4 different grocery stores and there were no balls. I just had to keep rifling through the freezer section and asking people for balls. I could have said dough, but that's no fun so I would always say balls and giggle. The balls are actually called "Rich's Balls" so I would go to the grocery attendant and say, "Pardon, sir, do you carry Rich's Balls?"

But, alas, the great hunt hath ended. Today I found Rich's balls! I got two bags of balls just to be safe and so I wouldn't have to go out in the cold again. So in case you know Rich, let him know I have two bags of his ball's in my freezer.

The Dentist.

Today I went to the dentist. I actually really like to go because I'm a huge nerd. I don't know why, but having my teeth cleaned makes me happy. I like all his equipment and stuff too. I'm such a nerd, I know.

This time I had to get a filling. It was my very first one! I didn't have a cavity, but I had a small pit. I have no idea what that meant, but I love the dentist so I was okay with it.

They numbed the top left side of my mouth. Because it's the top I'm not drooling but I am drinking water and it's really weird because it feels hot on my top left, not cold.

I think I like going to the dentist so much because of my dentist. He is very...excited about teeth. Today he kept telling me I was "awesome with a side of chips" for being brave and getting a filling. He then teared up over how close my father and uncle are and told me how hot my aunt was after she lost her baby weight. He also told me I needed to get my wisdom teeth pulled within six months. He told me not to be scared because I was too awesome to be scared and I'd "rock like a rock star" through the procedure. Which is somewhat ironic because he is unable to pull teeth because of his own fears.

So, if you're my dentist I love you.

Christmas is COMING!!! Nerds also love Christmas.

Ah, home.

I am at home for Christmas break. At home, I have dial-up. Yes, dial-up. It is quite tragic and it takes me 8 years to update this sucker. Oh, woe is me!

I went shopping with my mother to our local TJ Maxx which is always filled with alot of stupid (and somewhat trashy) people. I love it. This time however, we saw these two girls who may have been the most annoying people EVER. It was that bad. They didn't shut up the entire time the were in the store and seemed to be following me wherever I went. They were slightly large girls and not very attractive, so they decided that the best way to fix all that was to buy thongs, Extra Small sized thongs. I heard the one fat, annoying girl say that the thongs in her size were too big and ugly so she'd just rather wear the XS ones because they are so cute. Her slightly more fat, and more annoying friend nearly freaked out because she too dislikes the XL thongs that she should wear and thought this was the greatest idea ever. The fat, annoying girl's name was also "La" which as Sara knows holds a special place in my heart for I knew a very dumb girl once who we called La. I will write about her someday, don't worry.

When we left the store my mom asked me if I thought they were high or doing a different drug. I told her that I didn't know, but that I suspected they were like that because their underwear was just so damn tight.

Whew.

I survived Bio. Yay. But the word "wood" was no where to be found on the test. Poop.

Getting one and a half hours of sleep makes everything much funnier. I highly recommend it. I think I found toilet paper amusing.

Bio is funny. At 3:50 AM..

Monocots never have wood.

Poor monocots.

Eww, Gross.

"The sperm's acrosomal enzymes digest the egg's jelly coat. The jelly coat is yellow."

The sperm EATS the egg's coat. First of all, the egg has a jelly coat?!? And secondly, the sperm eats things? Is it hungry? Is the trip that long from the penis to the egg? Once inside, is the winner rewarded with peanut butter and milk for its jelly? Shouldn't the penis just pack the sperm a snack pak for the trip?

Bad penis, bad.

Don't make me study.

I have a final in biology tomorrow. I am horrible in biology. You know when the teacher shows the breakdown of the classes' grades and there is like 3 people who got the lowest grade possible. One of those 3 is me folks. Oh well, I am 100% sure that whatever I decide to do in life won't include biology. Biologist has been crossed off the list.

For my current job, I check papers at the University I Attend's Writing Center. I'm actually sorta good at it. I know a lot about grammar and spelling and nerd writing stuff. Except according to my Advanced Business Writing teacher who told me I had no concept of the comma and must be pretty stupid. He has a long, white mustache that points up, so he and his opinion can go fuck themselves anyway.

But anyway, with grammar I know what it should be, but I don't usually know why. We get a lot of ESL (English as a Second Language) students who come for tutoring and they always want to know why. I usually just say, "Say it outloud to yourself, doesn't it sound better?" and then smile all big and nod enthusiastically. But this one time, this one Asian girl asked me 85,679 questions and I just couldn't smile anymore and my neck really fucking hurt from the nodding, so I just started to make shit up like, "The first letter of your noun should always be same as the first letter of your adjective."

Luckily for me, she had no idea what a noun or adjective was anyway. But I crossed professional writing tutor off my list of potential careers anyway.

Biology makes me un-funny.

Nostalgic Hate.

I spent all day writing a paper about furniture. It should have been a pretty easy paper to write, but the fact that I was actually writing about furniture, specifically a table, an armoire and a chair, really set me back. My brain was in disbelief over the idiocy of the assignment. Which made me think about the idiocy of high school, which made me think about the idiocy of the people I went to high school with. (Except if you are reading this! In which case, I totally don't mean you! Call me!)

I went to an all girls Catholic high school, so you already know how awesome this is not going to be. Super! I am now a senior in college and have mostly gotten over these people and really could care very little about a very large majority of them. Unless they got fat, then I totally care. (Again, not you if you're reading this!)

Yes, please breath on me like that.

I was just at the library at The University I Attend and I was waiting in line at the reserve desk. There was someone in front of me who decided to take out 86 books, so I was waiting patiently a few steps behind her. Then a guy came and stood behind me. Not a few steps away, directly behind me, my cute pink bag was all smushed against his bright blue coat. I turn and make sure he isn't stealing from me or masturbating and to give him the "You, sir, are an asshole" stare. He does nothing. Then I, being the germaphobe I am, step to the left and up two steps. However, Buffalo Bill does the same exact thing and continues to breath on my neck. Has he never been in a line before? Or in close proximity to another human? I've seen a lot of stupidity, but I don't think I've ever come into contact with someone who was unable to stand in line properly before. I wonder if he was a Design & Merchandising major... So if you were the kid wearing a blue coat and breathing your nerd breath on my neck in the library, I hate you.

As a side note, the time on these posts is super fucked up. I have no idea how to make it work.

yikes.

I feel bad posting this because I have no idea who these girls are, but oh well...

In case you have family or friends working for a cosmetics company, don't worry about them losing their jobs. These girls apparently use a container of eyeshadow every time they go out. I don't wear makeup, so maybe I'm wrong here, but they need to tone it down. I don't think anyone is looking at their faces anyway. They should just save the money and buy some condoms.

Also, is that girl #1's boob hanging out? Did she not notice? I guess if your stomach is constantly exposed you are used to feeling drafts on your skin and wouldn't notice your boob flapping in the wind.

I am bad at thinking of titles.

I don't really know why I made this. I read a lot of blogs and am told I am funny, but I think that's a shitty reason to start a blog. No one gives a fuck if your friends think you are funny. How do we know your friends are even funny? They most likely are just pitying you or they have no sense of humor, and don't know when stuff is funny. A person could trip and fall right in front of them and they wouldn't laugh. For that, you need to get new friends. My friends, however, are funny. Because I said so.

See? This is also, why I am not a good blogger. I have the Ellen Degeneres rambling, "My Point and I do Have One" disease. I probably shouldn't make my first entry be why I am a bad blogger, that's probably on the No List of Blogging. The word blogging really annoys me. I think I'm going to call this my thingamajig. Until, I think of something better, at least. That's another problem: I can't name shit! Every paper I have ever written has had no title, or a title as exciting as: English Final Paper: Review of JD Salinger. I am just too cool for titles, I guess.

But not too cool for thingamajigging. Okay, that doesn't work. I'll think of something. Anyway, I hopefully will find something cool to discuss. Or most likely, I'll just make fun of people I see in person and will not know that they are being used as a subject for mockery on the interweb. Like this one time, I was in a lecture and there were about 60 open seats, but this douche bag kid sits in the chair right next to me and proceeds to fall asleep on his desk. Now I can live with that, I can't stay awake for anything in class. But this friggin' kid smells like SALAMI! Horrible, horrible salami and he's an inch away from me breathing some nasty salami breath on me. I don't know where he got the idea that rubbing lunch meat all over him was a good thing. Perhaps some cultures find it arousing. I, however, find it disgusting. So if you're the boy who sat next to me in Organizational Behavior and smelt like salami, I hate you.

I think I just figured out why I made this. I want to avoid all work/responsibility I have. Please enjoy the ride.