I Can't Get a Minute Without You.

Ahh, Hanson Day 2005 came and went. Christina, Amber and I tried to go for the triple Hanson super day, but settled for a double when we saw them at the World Cafe during the day and The Troc at night. They are definitely working hard to appeal to a larger audience. They didn't play MMMBop at either show, but they did play a lot of stuff from their first CD. It was an odd mix of songs, but good nonetheless. I still heart them. Christina did manage to get Isaac's autograph with my famed pink Sharpie and she also rubbed him down out of nervousness.

I totally wanted to write this post to talk about this girl at the show and I completely forgot before. But yeah, there was this girl in front on us who was dancing during the show. Which isn't so weird normally, but this girl was like acting out the songs through her dancing. If they said heart or love, she would use her thumbs and pointer fingers to make a heart and wave it above her head. Or if they said down or up she'd point in the appropriate direction. Around or going in circles was waving her arm in a lassoe-ing motion above her head. It was just weird. When she couldn't act out the song, she'd just sorta make this weird humping, butterfly motion. We, of course, mocked her and did our own action dancing in return. If you ask I will totally do an interpretive Hanson dance for you complete with butterfly motions.

I finally settled on being Madonna for Halloween. Although, I think everyone just thought I was an '80's chick. Oh well, at least they got it somewhat right. Everyone had really great costumes and fun and beer and tequila were had, but I did not vomit! World record!

Help me Rhonda.

I suck at Halloween. I think I actually get to dress up as something this year which I have never done in college. Well, I'm not in college anymore, but I pretend I am to ease the pain, but I don't think I've had a Halloween costume since like 8th grade. I always had shitty costumes except when Christina's mom or my friend Kimmie's mom made them for me. My mom was kind of not good at the making of things for Halloween which I inherited.

I need costume ideas. I understand that girls usually just wear the least amount of clothes possible, but I'd like to wear some clothes please. I put Ram in charge of picking out my costume, but I think he's stuck on his own. Any ideas? Anyone?

As a side note, today my mom told me my hair looked bad and she couldn't believe I left the house with it looking the way it did. (That makes her sound mean, but she isn't. She just likes for her daughters to brush their hair.) I actually sorta brushed it today too! If only she knew what it looked like when I went to work and she wasn't here...

A Collection of Ramblings.

That My Hump song by the Black Eyed Peas is really fucking horrible. I find it pretty disgusting and I don't get disgusted by things like that usually. I'm quite pervy, but something about using Cocoa Puffs and milk for a sexual euphemism grosses me out. Plus they are pretty much telling girls that they should use their breasts to get free jeans. I don't know if this is just me or not, but I just really fucking hate that song.

On the subject of being grossed out, I saw Alien VS. Predator yesterday. I've never seen any Alien or Predator movie and I am really glad of that now. The alien things were so foul. I actually lost my appetite after seeing those face sucker things that look like vaginas. It was absolutely disgusting. I also watched Dawn of the Dead and I liked that one. I can handle that sort of scary, I just hate gross disgusting things in costume/clown scary.

When will I ever learn my lesson about alcohol and milk? Seriously people, please just punch me in the stomach instead of letting me drink milk with alcohol. It doesn't matter if I'm in Atlantic City or Philadelphia, it always ends badly. At least this time it wasn't flavored strawberry or orange cream milk, I sorta learned about that.

Ram, Sara and I sold a bag full of Nazi flags and a blacklight to a war relic collector. I tried to get us all to post the same blog entry on all our blogs about it, but I was the only one who thought that was a funny idea.

I am done my stupid intern job that I hated. Now I get to sit in my basement all day long again like a normal unemployed person.

Does anybody want to go see Fiona Apple with me? It's at the Tower Theater on December 8th. Prices vary. Pleaseeeeeeee.

The time I broke my ass..

Because I am bored I am going to tell you the story of how I once broke my ass. Well, it's not really so much a story as a random event that caused me to break my ass. And I didn't really break my ass, but saying that makes me laugh because I am 5. And it's not really that great of a thing to discuss but I'm unemployed and live at home so cut me a break and read my story and humor me.

It all happened when I was going out to our garage to get a drink or something when I was a junior in high school during dinner one time. To get to the garage from the kitchen, you have to go down two wooden steps and as I was going down the steps, I stepped on the edge of the first step. (By edge, I mean that little piece of overhanging material on the step) Of course, the wood breaks right as I step on it and I completely fall to the ground.

In front of me was a very big SUV and to the right was a trash can full of glass so I tried to fall to the left. Which I successfully did, but of course I land in my dog's heavy duty, hard plastic waterbowl and into the metal thing that pokes out of the wall to hold the garden hose in place.

I only fell two steps, but I was NOT expecting the step to break and I walk down stairs very forcefully, apparently. (My mother calls me her baby elephant.) Because of these factors, I landed so incredibly fucking hard that I completely shattered the bowl, fell through to the concrete and jammed my back into the metal prong-y things full force.

I sat on the ground dazed and my ass full of plastic bits and soaked with water in complete shock. My mom freaked out and called my dad who then drove over as fast as possible and then my whole family had to examine my ass because I couldn't move off the floor and they thought I broke my tailbone. Eventually I got up and luckily, convinced them not to take me to the emergency room, but for the next two weeks my whole ass was a giant bruise and quite possibly the most unattractive ass ever seen by mankind. Wasn't that just a lovely story?

PS. My dog did get a brand new shiny metal waterbowl as a replacement.
PPS. I'm not sure if I find this post funny anymore or just really sad.

What the Hell?

I applied for a job at Borders today because I am bored and poor. I didn't realize applying to Borders was like trying to join the CIA. They asked me 37 pages of questions like these with strongly disagree, disagree, agree and strongly agree as answer choices:

There's no use having close friends; they always let you down
You work better with your hands than your mind
You are somewhat of a thrill-seeker
You feel tense when someone watches you work
You feel lively and energetic at parties
You are not afraid to tell someone off
When something goes wrong, your whole day is ruined
It is hard to really care about work when the job is boring
You attract attention to yourself
You have no big regrets about your past
In your free time, you go out more than stay home
There are some people you really can't stand
You were absent very few days from high school
When you are annoyed with something, you say so
You've had some disappointments that you'll never get over
People's feelings are sometimes hurt by what you say
You do some things that upset people
You swear when you argue (It's a good thing that I never curse...)
You have plenty of self-confidence
You are not interested in your friends' problems
You are a fairly private person (That's why I filled out this psych evaluation for you asses)
It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free
You've done your share of troublemaking

Is Borders trying to date me? Thanks to that application I am more confused about myself as a person than I have ever been before. I don't think I can be hired because I am fucked up and quite insane at this point in my life.

I'm a bitch.

I've been thinking lately about the word bitch. It's a word that has been used to describe most girls (women, ladies, whatever) in the world. Personally, I've been called it an obscene amount of times. It's weird because men can also be called bitches but the meaning for a man is the complete opposite of a woman. A woman who is a bitch (according to the dictionary) is:

-A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.
-A lewd woman.

However, for a man to be a bitch he must be:

-A man considered to be weak or contemptible.

So, a weak man is just an overbearing woman? I don't know what the point of me writing this is, I just wanted to clear my head of it. I just don't get it. How do words become bad and offensive? What exactly makes shit, fuck, bitch, etc. so bad? Why these words? How did the word for a female dog become the insult people use against one another?

I'm sure more than half the people who are called a bitch are neither weak or lewd or overbearing. I know a lot of times it just happens because a woman is honest or displays traits that would be perfectly acceptable for a man to have. Is that really a bad way for us to be? It's unfortunate now because you have to preface statements with "I don't mean to be a bitch, but..." just to protect yourself from getting this horrible reputation as a bitch and even then, that doesn't really work. People are going to say what they want regardless, you just have to come to terms with it, I guess. Or just quit speaking.

This post was brought to you by the letter T and by readers like you.

What a Drag it is Getting Old.

Except apparently if you are a member of the Rolling Stones. Then being old means rocking like a motherfucker and being able to dance around for 2 hours non-stop.

Here is my super short (but short in a Joanne way, so not short at all) recount of my Rolling Stones experience. Actually, it's not a recount it's just random things that I was too lazy to compile into a real paragraph.

Paying $450 for a concert ticket is ridiculous. Pay the $160, silly!

Drunk man behind me who put his ass on my head and spilled popcorn on my aunt, (yes, your Mom) your Mick Jagger imitation sucks and you suck and if you stick your hand in my face one more time I am biting you. And hey, tell your drunk friend to please not hit on my mom in front of me.

Speaking of my mother, she seriously considered flashing the band during Honky Tonk Women. I told her if she did I would take off my bra and throw it on stage. She, unfortunately, encouraged this.

Dear God, they played Paint It Black. It was amazing.

Don't ever name your dog after a song that a band you frequently see on tour always plays. I held it in and did not cry over Jumpin' Jack Flash though.

I totally worked out a plea to my mom for a puppy involving Rolling Stones' song titles and it was beautiful. Until she started screaming over Sympathy for the Devil and couldn't hear me anymore.

Hey, drunk man who hit on my mom, why did you buy that girl the t-shirt I wanted? Why not me? I'd tell my mom to be nice to you for 5 minutes.

Stages that appear in the middle of the arena that turn out to be right in front of you are amazing.

I want to dance like Mick Jagger.

Could they be any scarier looking? Charlie Watts survived throat cancer and looks the best out of all of you and he looks like a corpse.

Could they be any skinnier also? Also, is Mick 4 feet tall?

Tell my mom to stop dancing.

I saw Pierre Robear!! I have no idea how to spell that.

If anyone loves me, they would buy me this since the drunk man didn't and I am too poor myself. If a whole group of people who love me bought me that, it would be okay too.

I lost all motivation to finish this. I end it here out of laziness.

Fire in the Taco Bell!

Oh my god, I just wrote a whole post about my hair! I think that's a sign of how horrible this blog has become. I won't post the hair story, although it did discuss pigeon and muskrat sex.

Ugh. Okay, I didn't want to resort to this, but here I go...

Everyone should watch Lost! (ABC, Wednesday at 9) It's actually answering shit now and giving you clues to figure the mysteries out with. They aren't just throwing shit at you all the time. I got the Season One DVDs for my birthday and whoemever may borrow them as long as they don't get the box smudgey cause that gets my anal retentiveness in high gear.

Also, everyone should watch Veronica Mars on UPN which is on the same time as Lost and may be difficult. So pick one and download the other and experience nerdy TV happiness with me, okay?

The weekend is coming. Yay!

Thanks Monday.

Today a bird pooped in my hair.

Immediately following, I went to a job interview.

Also, a homeless man asked me if I was filming an episode of America's Next Top Model which I get was a pick up line of some sorts, but homeless people watch America's Next Top Model?!