At least you aren't Urkel.

Today while reading some crap online, I found this stuff about former child stars, apparently there is going to be a special on 20/20 tonight about Nick and Aaron Carter, LeAnn Rimes and Jaimee Foxworth.

And it's awesome because Jaimee Foxworth is Judy from Family Matters!

And it's awesomer because she it totally a porn star now! Or she was, but then she found God and he told her not to be or he would cast lightning down upon her or something.

But yes, young Judy's porn star name is Crave. She starred in such films as Booty Talk 20: Super Fine Sistas and Black Dirty Debutantes. Here is a lovely link to some pictures of her boobies. (I love how it says she "supposedly" works in a talent agency now.) Oh, poor Judy Winslow.

Jaimee claims that she was tricked into porn. Apparently, she was too drunk to read the modeling contract she signed and she was forced to make 3 movies and then she quit. Which is odd because there is 5 porn titles in her IMDB listing and that link says she made dozens. I think Jaimee needs to be a little more honest if she is a God-ly woman now.

Is it really sad if I want to stay home tonight just to watch 20/20?

Screw you.

I really hate when I tell people that I am about to graduate college and then they say some bullshit response like, "Wow, guess you are going to be doing nothing until June, huh?"

No, fuckhole. I am not doing nothing. I am doing more work than I've ever done before and you can just shut your big, stupid mouth and give me 5 bucks.

Why does about to graduate mean doing nothing to some people? Assfaces.

I couldn't sleep.

So, I started to think last night because I could not sleep (as you know from above.) I have some really bad blisters on my feet and just the sheet touching them makes them ache uncontrollably. On top of the ache that they feel for just existing. But, yeah, I was thinking and I'm pretty weird about a lot of stuff. I didn't really realize it before until people started pointing out little things and then I started thinking... Thus I compiled this list, The Top Things that are Weird about Joanne. Maybe these aren't even weird. I don't really know.

1. I do not like hot beverages. I have no idea why, I just don't.
2. I do not like gum. I already discussed this one.
3. I do not touch ANYTHING on the subway ever and I usually try to not touch anything in the station, if possible. Homeless people pee down there, people!
4. I have a fear of bridges, especially those ones where there are cars above you and below you.
5. I pretty much order the same exact things at restaurants: pasta, chicken parm, chicken fingers, pretty much some variation of chicken or pasta. But the reason for this is because I don't like to eat foods that my mother makes for me in restaurants.
6. I know a ridiculous amount of useless information about celebrities and television. I don't know why, but I just always remember that kind of crap.
7. I know all the words to Summer Girls by LFO.
8. I'm really good at editing spelling, punctuation and grammar AND I actually like to check papers for that stuff.
9. I like musicals especially singing along.

That's all I got now. Please feel free to disagree and tell me how awesome I am. Or agree and add one that I forgot or didn't know made me a big fucking freak.

Huzzah.

What's 4/20 without a little grass?

Yes, it is the infamous grass and leaves I picked up whilst in the Quad last night.

And yes, it is disgusting and gross of me to take a picture of it.

But, then how else would I be able to make my lame marijuana/grass/420 joke I've been working on since last year, huh?

Doot.

Just bust a tunic.

Woo.

Everyone should watch 13 Going on 30. It made me want to dance around and stuff. And I never dance. Except when super drunk...almost like now. Thank god for spell check.

Gross.

My English teacher has reallllllly hairy ears. He's not even that old. He's probably in his mid 50's at the most. I just stare at them all class, he probably thinks I am a very creepy.

I swear, they are like Hobbit ears. It looks like cotton is billowing out of them. Wait, do Hobbits even have hairy ears? I don't remember, but I don't think so.

It's like he has Hobbit feet coming out of his ears.

My soulmate.

I'm not sure if this is funny. It was funny when it happened and then a little bit later, but I'm not sure of the general funny-ness of this tale I am about to tell. (I'm reading the Canterbury Tales, so I say crap like tale now.)

I was walking across The Quad last night with Ram and because I am so awesome I was playing with a matchbook I stole from Applebee's. (Yay! Hi, Mom!) I like to light matches. Then I just blow them out, I'm not a pyro for fuck's sake. Just a nerd who likes to go, "Oooh, I can make fire!" So, I'd light a match and then it would go out and I'd light another. Woo.

When we got to the end of The Quad, a guy was headed towards us who was totally doing THE SAME EXACT THING! Being the huge nerd I am, I said something along the lines of, "Oh my god, I'm playing with matches too! Look at me! We are soulmates! Matches are FUN!"

However, I think the guy was very drunk or something because he didn't even look at me or appear to have heard me and I was pretty loud. Either that or he rejected my offer of soulmate-ism, but I don't think so because I am awesome and also because it is too sad for me to think about getting rejected by that douche.

I hope that was mildly amusing for you all, my 4 readers! I'm moving up! I got 4!

Won't you be my neighbor?

Please be my neighbor. Please! The ones I have now I may kill. I have mentioned them before. They are loud, they listen to techno and their speakers appear to be right on the other side of the wall from my bed. Usually, they are loud at reasonable times, but a couple times they aren't. For instance, once they played their shitty techno really loud at like 2 a.m. on a Wednesday night or something. But I just knocked on the wall and they turned it down.

However, last night they took asshole pills. At 2:46 a.m. I was awoken to screaming and laughing and talking. It was SO damn loud. It even woke Tina up and her bed is not on top of the shared wall. I waited, but they kept being really loud and it was impossible to sleep, so I knocked on the wall. Then all 26 of them who live there pounded back really fucking hard and shouted at me to shut the fuck up and other wonderous obscenities that really made no sense since they were the loud assholes. I was pissed so being the bitch I am, I called security who actually did something! I am glad they did, so I didn't have to get another security guard fired. They called the girls and of course, I heard them screaming about how no one should answer the phone and then screaming about how they couldn't believe security called them. They didn't really quiet down, but they did get quieter and I eventually went to sleep.

This morning when I went to go to class I found a note under my door. This is what it said (in the world's most annoying font):
"Dearest Angels from Above:
Thank you so much for your help the other day. Our roommate was experiencing a particularly violent asthma attack. We were unable to find her inhaler, but God was on our side. It seems that you sensed our distress & knocked on the wall in concern for our welfare. Miraculously, your knock cleared the desk of debris & only the inhaler remained. Thankfully, this was just in time to save our roommate's life. Now, she is still able to raise money in the Race for the Cure.

We wanted to thank you for your kindness by knocking back to let you know that all was right again through the GRACE OF GOD.
Thank you.

In solidarity with the Lord,
Your Brothers & Sisters in Christ"

In conclusion, fuck them.

Now I Get It.

Apparently, I have been failing as a woman! Thank god for this very un-recent article from Good Housekeeping.



I like the be a little gay one.

It's a big picture, I don't know why it is still small when you click it.