Danger is My Middle Name.

You have not known adventure until you have changed your clothes in an airplane bathroom.

Sweet lord, those things are tiny.

For added danger, be sure to experience massive turbulence in the middle of your changing and have the flight attendants (or nurses, whatever you want to call them) turn on the return to seat light while you are topless and falling into walls.

I don't know what to title this.

Today I was waiting in the lobby of my building for Roni. She had to go get money and I was early, so I was just watching people and seeing practically everyone I ever met before. Apparently, the lobby is a good place to meet people. Who knew? I certainly met an interesting guy there today.

I was looking to my left and I suddenly turned to the right and coming through the lobby was a young fellow on a mother fucking Segway. He rode through the lobby, hit the elevator button and reversed and waited for the elevator, all on his Segway. Then the elevator came and he rode in it on his Segway. I immediately burst out laughing. There was another guy coming who had 5 coffees in his arms and he smiled at me and shrugged his shoulders. I assumed he thought I was laughing at him, so I just said, "No, wait until you get on the elevator, you'll see."

I didn't know the Segway was intended for riding to class like 3 blocks away. What does he do with the Segway when he's in class? Does he chain it to something? I bet he just stands on it during class and slowly rocks back and forth. He was such a bad ass on his Segway, he didn't even wear a helmet like is suggested.

You can't ride a bike indoors, why a Segway? Their wheels get just as dirty, just because you ride a Segway doesn't mean you won't roll through shit. Shit just happens. And when did Americans get too lazy to walk?!

The Segway video on that website is really funny. People ride Segways on subways! They go through turnstiles! They conquered their genital warts! The check energy meters! You can ride a Segway and live a normal, functioning life! Except for the parts where you get the shit kicked out of you every day for being a fucking douchebag and when you can never have any sex ever. Not even with your own hand...

Oh my god, I just finished watching the video and make sure you watch to the end. There is like a weird music video sorta thing at the end with people doing "crazy" moves with the Segway like driving them not in a straight line and twirling.

An Update.

I found 2 pink shirts in my drawers thus bringing the total to 29 pink shirts.

The coolness just doesn't stop...

Headphones.

People who wear headphones amuse me. I love when they sing or dance in some way along with the music. It's so very dorky and innocent and we all have done it, but some people just get caught doing much more embarassing things.

The other day I was in my hallway and someone was getting off the elevator and he had on headphones. He was singing and didn't see me until too late. I have no idea what the song was. It went like this, according to his singing, "Smack my ass! Smack my ass! Smack my ass! Yeah!"

I just smiled at him and then went in the stairwell and laughed my ass off. Which was fine until I passed someone as I was alone in the stairwell laughing my ass off...

Mmm, fat,

Today I watched Oprah because it was raining and I didn't have any work to do. It was all about weight loss and getting healthy. There was a guy on there that lost 500 pounds!! It was insane. He just started walking and eating right. I feel like such a girl, but I almost cried. Here is he before and after. He totally kicks ass for being able to do that. If I met him, I would be actually kind of nice to him.

Then they showed his excess skin and I threw up. (He got it removed) He used to get like nasty bacterias and moldy stuff on him because of it. Apparently, he smelt like pure ass too. If you would like to lose weight, then just look at this picture because then you will vomit. Thanks Oprah!

Some people are funny.

I think I am the only person in the world who looks at the little news thing that pops up when you sign onto AIM. I always just check to make sure no one important has died. My sister and I have the responsibility of telling my mom when people die, so she doesn't hear about it like nine months later and then she feels bad that she didn't know they died. This all started because she didn't know John Denver died. I don't know. I don't get it either. But I digress...

My point was that on the AIM pop-up thing they have a Celebrity Look-a-Like section. People submit their pictures and who they apparently look like. Then AIM users can vote on who looks the most like their famous person. It's a cool idea. However, none of the people ever look like the person they say they do. It's so awesomely bad. Like all blonde, skinny girls are Paris Hilton's and all black muscular men are Nelly's. I think I saw a good look-a-like twice on there and I view them everytime I see the ad for it. I am that cool. Here is the link for this week's. There used to be a gallery, but I can't find where it is and the internet is not helping me.

A Call for Help.

Well, not exactly a call, more like a beg for help. I need to make a comic book for my senior project. The subject is gender communications. Basically, I get to make funny little comics about relationships and how dumb both males and females are in matters of like, love and lust.

So, I am begging for ideas. If you have a good story idea, quote, example, funny email forward thing or anything that you think is funny and could be used, please send it to me. I am having a rough time with this and I really need to get cracking. I am having difficulties concentrating on anything, but especially this. Inspire me, please.

You know the screen name.. Thank you!

More demons.

There is something coming out of her stomach, right? Other people can see it also? And that like string hanging? Is it some sort of medical pack? Then I'd feel bad...I hope it's like a fake penis or something instead, then I'd feel MUCH better.

Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

Cough.

We have already established that I am a horrible person, so I am just going to come out and say this. I think there are people that you can tell you are going to hate. There is just something about them that sends a message to you brain saying,"STAY AWAY! YOU'LL HATE THEM!"

I think these two may be a part of that. Between them, they are not wearing one whole shirt. Maybe boys will find them attractive, but they just scare me. I think it is much more attractive when girls just don't plop their boobs on the bar in desperation to get attention. You can dress up and be cute. Do not give into the Dark Side of Boob and Midriff Baring! You can show some, but please set some limits, folks! Girl on Right's rib cage is trying desperately to get away from her and is actually attempting to escape from her body. You know it's bad when your own rib cage hates you!

Boo.

SNL is very not funny lately. Much like me, apparently.

The Next American Idol.

I like to sing. As of late, I especially like to sing a weird array of songs, mostly from musicals and Disney movies. My favorite, however, is to sing songs from "Once More With Feeling," the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (Which by the way, I don't give a fuck if you don't like or think is uncool, if I cared what people thought was cool I'd...I don't know what I'd be doing, but it would probably involve Uggs, and my point is shut up.)

When I sing these songs, I do it very loudly and I really get into it. I walk through the fire with Buffy, I want to be part of a whole new world with Aladdin and I want Prince Eric to get over himself and kiss Ariel already. Also, I can not carry a tune to save my life. Apparently, I have not just been singing for myself. I have a fan club! The apartment next to me can hear me sing as well. Yesterday after I did a truly wonderful version of "Walk Through the Fire," they turned up their stereo as loud as possible and played the song. Then they laughed. Then me and Roni listened with glasses through the wall. However, that whole glasses thing didn't really work and we couldn't hear anything.

I am embarrassed about it, but these people listen to TECHNO all day and night and their speakers are a hell of a lot louder than mine. Our walls shake and all I hear is bass of crappy sounding music. For god's sake, one day I woke up to Lindsay Lohan singing repeatedly for hours.

If you need me, I'll be over here singing a little song to my adoring fans.

Yummy.

"Hello. I am a 35 year old investment banker/demon and I eat babies. Oh yeah, I also bring my mother to bars with me. She helps me pick up men so I can take them back to my place and eat their souls. She keeps their carcasses in a freezer in her basement. She also keeps Fudgesicles and Twin Pops in there for me as special treats. Yum, thanks Mom."

Again, I'm horrible, but eh, who cares? Special thanks to Roni for her input and humor.