The Rats.

Today I watched the worst movie ever. It wasn't even funny bad like Kickboxing Academy. It was just bad. It was called The Rats and according to IMDB it is supposed to be good for a TV movie...

I guess I just don't appreciate TV movies because I thought it was horrible. First off the fucking thing is about rats! Again, IMDB describes the plot as such, "A clan of evil rats overtakes a Manhattan department store and threatens to overrun the city." So not only was it about rats, but evil rats no less.

Basically, these rats had some sort of flower tested on them and it gave them lots of testosterone and the rats were no longer scared of people or some shit like that. I kept flipping between it and Soul Food on VH1. (I'm glad only 3 people read this and thus only 3 people will know the true patheticness of my existence.) The little girl from The Ring was in it, so she did add some creepiness. But mostly, it was just fucking dumb.

I will do the first ever "Joanne sums a movie and tries to make it short, but she has a tendency to ramble and thus the summary isn't short at all, but at least you didn't actually watch the shitty movie so at least humor her and let her write her ramblings" review. I'm working on the name, by the way.

Okay, so these rats invade some Fancy Department Store (FDS) in New York City, and then the FDS hires a "mysterious and suave" exterminator (MSE) to check it out. This fucking guy is like a guru on rats and is all, "Oh, the rats do this because I am mysterious and suave and sense what they are thinking." He is assigned to work with some lady who does something at the FDS and you know they are totally gonna make out at the end, but first he has to kill a rat with a baseball bat in her kitchen, save her daughter (Ring girl) from a public swimming pool filled with rats and impress her with all his rat knowledge. The lady must not have gotten out much because he was talking about rat shit and urine and their teeth and crap and she was all staring dreamily at him.

The rats are all attacking people and giving them some disease but the Health Department is all like, "Oh, no honey it ain't our fault." So, thus MSE has to come save the day with his black assistant who is forced to wear overalls while MSE and the lady wear really cute, fancy clothes to go rat killing. They end up figuring out that the rats like the scent of the flower that gave them super powers so they get boxes of it because Ring girl totally knows a florist who sells the exact same scent even though they built up how the flower was all rare or hard to grow or something. I wasn't paying attention at that part.

Thus MSE and the lady go to the public pool (which has been drained) and throw the perfume around so the rats come. Apparently, all sewer pipes in the city lead to this huge Olympic swimming pool. The super rats follow the scent and pretty soon there are rats bursting everywhere, they had CG rat geysers that made "whooshing" sounds. It was so dumb. Anyway, they set up these bomb electricity things because they are going to electrocute all the rats, but of course the dumb lady has to fall in the pool and get covered by the rats. MSE tries to save her, but the rats are all like eating her face and his arm, but luckily the black assistant shows up and with his help, MSE saves his woman. Dear god, this is long. But anyway, they blow up the rats and dead, bloody rat carcasses fly everywhere and everything is, yay and stuff so MSE, the lady and Ring girl walk in the park and make rat jokes, but little do they know the trash cans are all full of rats and all the rats slowly empty into the park and make rat faces at the camera.

In one part, the lady got attacked by a rat in a parking garage. The fucking thing leapt into her car and was like trying to drive for her, it kept popping up behind the wheel. She ends up kicking it out and then driving over it and smooshing it. Then she just gets out of the fucking car! I would have driven away not gone into the dark, possible rat infested garage, but whatever, I don't think rat shit is sexy. After all this, they zoom onto the dead rat's buddy who is up on some ledge somewhere and the rat bares his teeth and makes this face like, "I am remembering who you are bitch and I will get you back for killing Tom." I think the best actors in the movie were the rats which is why they chose to include all these god damn rat close-ups.

I was actually quite curious to know how they saved all the people with the mysterious rat disease that were dying, but they never mentioned it. Unless it happened when I was watching Soul Food and NOT crying over Big Mama's death. I guess they figured something out because the rats bit MSE and the lady, but they were making out in the park like nothing was wrong.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my summary of The Rats. I'm really fucking scared of rats now, but I know it'll be okay because I can just throw perfume on them and then shock them, and then I too can make out with someone in the park.