My Father is Insane.

On Thursdays, I work for my dad. My dad is a mushroom broker/gas station owner/vending machine guy/800 other things. If you've met my dad you know he is somewhat crazy, but if you haven't I hope this helps you get an idea about him.

The following is an account of my day. The minutes are kind of off because I was using different clocks and they all said different things, but who really gives a fuck?

9:40-I start my day by buying leases and monthly rental agreements at the office supply store.
10:00-Lectured about how I should know more about things like lead paint. I am given a CD about lead paint to watch on my own time to educate myself.
10:20-I go to the post office.
10:24-Told never to bring home the crap ads from the post office ever again.
10:35-My dad makes me lie to an old man and say he is not in the office.
10:36-Tell Dad I am going to hell for him and should get paid more.
10:37-Told by Dad that I'll probably end up in hell for something else first. No raise.
10:40-I get to put 9 bazillion one dollar bills from the soda machines in order so they are all facing the same way.
10:59-Touch a one dollar bill covered in human feces.
11:04-Take a soda order
11:05-Yelled at for being too slow
11:09-I try to take my first order for mushrooms. I get told to wait 2 minutes.
11:11-Still no call about the order.
11:13-Call to pester the man for my mushroom order. He is very alarmed to know that I am even less patient than my dad.
11:15-Get called "Sweetheart" by a man named Bubba. I giggle.
11:23-Get yelled at for trying to take a break to wash the shit off my hand.
11:30-Go to bank
11:40-Apologize to banker who has to count the 9 bazillion ones.
11:50-The gas light goes on in my car and I begin to hyperventilate.
11:50-Gas light goes off. Try to breathe normally.
12:02-Go to post office to cover up the mistake I made the first time I went to the post office.
12:05-Back at the office.
12:07-Introduced to same guy for 9th time.
12:12-The Canada Dry guy comes.
12:40-I fall asleep in my chair with my mouth open.
12:45-Motion sensor buzzes and wakes me up.
1:00-Load soda order onto a pallet.
1:16-Count the soda money from today.
1:19-Yelled at for being too slow.
1:20-Yelled at for my entire generation being too slow. (Thanks everyone)
1:30-Get to add up mushroom sheets on fancy calculator.
1:45-My dad calls his accountant to find out if it's illegal to be paid as little as I am.
1:46-Yelled at for being unemployed and working for peanuts.
1:47-My dad tries to get me to call the intern place so he can "break their balls"
1:51-My dad calls me a secretary. I tell him I'm a receptionist. We settle on receptionist bitch.
2:00-Get an actual compliment!! Am told I have gotten very good at monitoring the security cameras.
2:03-Some guy calls to buy my Jetta. (for sale in front of the gas station) He doesn't speak English. He keeps yelling "Yetta" in my ear. I pull together some Spanish and ask him for his number. He hangs up on me.
2:17-Lecture about how I shouldn't use peoples names when delivering messages. I get confused.
2:30-Try to fix motion sensor. I fail.
2:31-Dad fixes sensor in 3 seconds.
2:35-Yelled at for being too slow.
2:36-Told I wasn't as slow as usual.
2:40-I arrange more ones.
2:41-My dad makes me race against one of his gas attendants with the ones. I win!
2:48-The electricity goes on and off.
2:49-My dad says fuck a lot.
2:50-I sit outside and watch for cars who want propane.
2:56-I get sent home
2:57-Dad calls and tells me that I need to not be so slow when I work.