Another random story from my past.

Argh, mateys! Time to settle in after ye harsh travels across thee bastard sea for a tale mighty and true. Or just a kind of funny and nerdy tale. Like me!

So, a long long time ago (from 1999 to 2003 according to my old resume) I used to work at [Place I Used to Work At.] Basically, I was a cafeteria lady with a baseball cap instead of a hair net. It was a pretty horrible job at times, mostly because I worked my ass of and got little pay and no respect and/or recognition for my hard work. Plus I was the only one in the cafeteria who spoke English so also at times it was pretty lonely. After some close diagnosis, I believe that every low self esteem thought I have in regards to myself stems from my tenure there. But anyway, here is my somewhat famed (in Delaware, at least) story of one day at work there. Please keep in mind that in 4 years, this is probably the most interesting thing that ever happened to me there. Also, keep in mind that this tale is told awesomely in person and I hope it translates well here.

Alright, I am 16 or 17 and working in the Hot Foods section one night by myself and I was really bored. There weren't a lot of customers and it was kind of hot and I was hungry and generally cranky. Some customers approached me, neglecting the huge sign in front of their faces and the sample plates displayed prominently, and asked me what the entrees were for dinner. As I went over the 3 choices, I remember thinking that I could really give 2 fucks about serving these people food and I was having trouble completing my sentences. I thought it was just the boredom, but I began to see spots and then the general noise in the cafeteria got really wonky and freaky. I slowly backed away from the people, ignoring their orders and went to leave.

The next thing I remember is being outside the cafeteria on the dock out back laying on the cement with the kitchen staff surrounding me. Our work uniform required us to wear black pants, shoes and socks which I always did, except this day. I wake up with my feet above my head on a fruit box and my bright fucking white socks staring at me. Of all the things, about this day. I'll always remember the socks the most. Obviously, I was really confused about what was going on, but also really embarrassed about the socks. It was explained to me that I had passed out, but luckily one of the chefs, Omar, had been walking by and caught me before I hit the floor. (Thank god! That shit was dirrrty.)

I thanked Omar and tried to go back to work but no one would let me get up. They had called the security guards to come help me and I had to wait. Someone on the kitchen staff picked me up and put me in a roll-y office chair and made me wait out on the dock like an asshole with everyone staring at me while the guy came. I was super freaked out because I thought somehow I was dying and I started to hyperventilate a bit. The restaurant's general manager, who I absolutely hated, starting asking me how to contact my parents. I could not think of my own phone number or my dad's to save my life. So the guy who already thought I was stupid, now thought I was extra stupid. Finally, the nice manager told him to leave me alone and go look it up in my file.

The guard shows up and he has all this creepy medical stuff with him and I really start crying because no one would let me move and I didn't know what was going on with me. They wheel me through the kitchen crying and panting, in front of all the people who weren't already staring at me, and into the elevator.

The security guards at [Place I Used to Work At] are all usually retired police officers or just retired men and thus old. This guard was no different. He gets one of the kitchen staff to lift me off the chair and place me on the floor. He starts doing doctor-y things to me and I'm freaking out because he keeps muttering. He makes some "Uh-oh" noises and decides he needs the oxygen tank for me. This is when my sister Nina shows up. We live like 6 minutes away, but she must have sped like hell to get there for me. She sees me on the floor, crying, white as a sheet with a old dude fumbling with an oxygen mask on top of me and she gets a concerned look on her face. Seeing her look that way made me get concerned for her so I stopped crying.

At this point, the story turns humorous and I finally began to relax and realize this wasn't a big deal. So, as the guy is leaning down to attach the oxygen mask to my face, he farts super loudly. I look at Nina and she looks at me and she laughs hysterically while I try to not laugh and just breathe in my nice clean oxygen. Now, of course, my father shows up (Nina called him) and does his Lou thing of befriending everyone in the room while somehow finding a way to yell at me. The GM comes in and tells us that the ambulance is here to take me to the emergency room.

I had no idea that there was an ambulance called and have a mini-freak out again because I just want to go home now and have my mom make me spaghetti. But no, of course not. Next thing I know a gurney is being rolled into the room and these 2 female paramedics are strapping me to it. My dad gets in the ambulance with me and my sister follows us in her car.

Let me explain here that my dad is claustrophobic and doesn't really like hospitals and, you know, his daughter passing out and having to go to the hospital. I'd never been inside an ambulance before and I don't know how many of my 5 readers have, but there is minimal sitting space and it's definitely cramped inside. My dad is somewhat heavy (think Tony Soprano) and is forced to sit on this super tiny bench about 12 inches wide. The paramedics were pissed about having to come get me because it was chili night at the fire house and they wanted chili. (Thus why I associate chili with firefighters.) The one was driving super fast, changing lanes left and right and my dad kept sliding all over the bench and looking like he was going to vomit. It was odd me being strapped to gurney telling my dad everything would be okay and to breathe.

When we get to the hospital, they bust through the doors and wheel me to the front. I get a room right away which was completely ridiculous because I am totally fine at this point, just embarrassed and kind of glad I got off work. While Nina, my dad and I are waiting in our cushy room, a man is wheeled in who punched his arm through a plate glass door. His arm is completely shredded and oozing blood everywhere. We see bone. But he has to wait outside because I came in an ambulance. My dad almost throws up again at the site of bloody man and forbids me and Nina from laughing or speaking until the guy gets moved.

I get a bunch of tests like an EKG done and they take my blood which is the one thing I can't stand, but my dad holds my hand cause I'm a princess. It's like 3 hours after I passed out now and I really have to pee. No one has been in to see us in a while and we've determined that I'm not dying so I just decide to go. I get up and walk out to the bathroom. On the way there, I am stopped by my nurse. I think she was waiting for me. She tells me I have to pee in a cup because she thinks I am pregnant, but she didn't want to confront me in front of my dad. I tell her I'm not, but I will gladly pee in her stupid cup. I go to the bathroom and when I get back she is in the room telling my dad how I may be pregnant, but I didn't want him to know. She then gave me a lecture on birth control. You can imagine my dad's reaction to that one. He was nice though and told the lady I was a good smart Catholic girl. However, later he told me that I needed to keep my legs closed until he was dead.

We wait some more and the lady comes and tells us that I'm not pregnant. Duh. We hope to leave, but crazy nurse lady has another theory. She has decided that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. She explains it and asked me if I had to go the bathroom when the incident occurred. I tell her no. She continues on, ignoring my answer, explaining how she determined I had IBS. None of her reasons occurred in my situation at all. My dad tells her she is wrong because if there is one thing my family has, it's un-irritated bowels. She finally let us leave since she can't come up with anymore ideas.

It's funny because the people at work thought I was pregnant as well and it spread throughout the whole restaurant and apparently, someone at the restaurant was the father. But sadly the real truth is boring. Basically I passed out because I was overworked and hungry and had been standing for way too many hours. I scared the shit out of myself and my dad and Nina. But we got to have a unique bonding experience and learn about proper methods of birth control and my mom did make my spaghetti.

So there is my long ass story of my youth.

I never did find out if those people got any food.