My new cover letter.

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am applying for the XXX position that was on XXX as of XXX. I recently graduated from [University I Attended] and I really need a job. As you may know, money and health insurance do not grow on trees.

My past job experiences includes internships and jobs that are on my resume which is attached to this letter. If you want to know what I did and what my GPA was look at that. If that is too complex for you, I don't want to work for you anyway because you are an idiot.

I don't like idiots. I don't work well with them. However, I normally get along with most people. I don't talk too much at first, but give me a bit of time and you will find I am quite enjoyable and funny. I enjoy jokes about inappropriate subjects and am excellent at making awkward comments.

Some things I have achieved that are not on my resume include having read Books 1 through 100 in the Babysitters' Club series as well as Super Specials 1 to 10, dancing a top a bar and being offered a dollar, vomiting in a bathtub and being able to check my own oil.

I really like the colors pink and green. I also like to write and watch television. I can operate Microsoft Word like a motherfucker and will gladly show you how to make columns without rolling my eyes too much. I think Harry Potter and using proper grammar and punctuation is sexy. I don't know any other languages besides English, but I could probably manage a sentence or two in Pig Latin or in Whining.

Your company seems interesting mostly because you are hiring and will pay me. I promise that I'll do a really good job at whatever it is you want. I work hard and I drink heavily and it would be really great to include your company in the working part. Thank you for your time in reading this letter. Which by the way, I spent time writing so could you not be an asshole and actually respond. Good or bad news doesn't matter, just be a kind, courteous human and respond especially if we have an interview.

Sincerely,
Joanne